7 things you should never say to a veteran

Most of the time, people have the best intentions when they're talking to a military veteran.

"By and large, at this stage in history, the American people are very, very supportive of veterans," Brandon Trama, a former US Army Special Operations Detachment Commander, CivCom grad, and associate at Castleton Commodities International, told Business Insider.

Indeed, according to Gallup, the majority of civilians view each of the five branches either very or somewhat favorably.

"I've encountered numerous people when I transitioned who were willing to help me out, whether it was buy me a cup of coffee, give me thoughts on their career path, or put me in front of other people who may be able to point me in the direction of other opportunities," Trama said.

But, according to the Pew Research Center, fewer Americans now have family ties to those who served.

And despite the good intentions of many civilians, there's still a growing gap between the militiary and civilian worlds. So it's important for civilians to remember that there's a difference between reverence and understanding.

Business Insider spoke with veterans from several different branches of the military about transitioning back to civilian careers.

Here's what they said they wished civilians would understand — and, in some cases, refrain from saying:

'We all owe you'

The military is widely held in esteem in the US. A whopping 72% of Americans have confidence in the institution, according to Gallup — compare that with the 16% of folks who have confidence in Congress.

But quite a few of the veterans Business Insider spoke with asserted that well-intentioned adulation can go too far.

Some advised civilians against overdoing it when thanking veterans for their service. These veterans also warned fellow ex-service members from letting any praise go to their heads.

"Stop thinking people owe you something," Omari Broussard, who spent 20 years in the Navy, told Business Insider. "Nobody owes you anything."

The New York Times reported that some veterans view being thanked for their service as "shallow, disconnected, a reflexive offering from people who, while meaning well, have no clue what soldiers did over there or what motivated them to go."

According to Broussard, it's best for veterans — especially those who recently left the service — to not take the praise to heart, especially at work.

"When you get out, you've got to compete with the best," the founder of counter-ambush training class 10X Defense and author of "Immediate Action Marketing" said. "Go get it. That may require you doing a lot more work than you think you need to do."

'Do you have any friends that died?'

Probing and ill-advised questions from civilians can make many veterans feel dehumanized and othered.

"People will ask me plainly, 'Do you have any friends that died?'" Garrett Unclebach, who served as a Navy SEAL for six years, told Business Insider. "And then the second question they'll ask me is, 'You ever kill anybody?' Two super inappropriate questions to ask people."

Unclebach said people should remember they don't necessarily have a full grasp on the issues an individual veteran is facing.

"People talk about PTSD and they don't really understand it so I would tell you that some guys who have it are embarrassed by it," the VP of business development at construction firm Bellator Construction said. "Everyone needs an opportunity to be human and be vulnerable.

'I don't really understand how your ability to go fight is going to add value to my organization'

Edelman Intelligence's study of 1,000 employers found that 76% want to hire more veterans — but only 38% said veterans obtain skills in the military that "are easily transferable to the private or public sector."

Phil Gilreath, who served as a Marine officer for nearly 10 years, said this is a potential "stigma" veterans face in the business world.

"In reality over 95% of what we do is kind of planning and operations and logistics," he told Business Insider. "That absolutely translates to the corporate world, not to mention the things that aren't necessarily quantitative, such as your leadership experience, your ability to operate in a dynamic, stressful environment that's ever-changing."

Gilreath is now director of operations at storage space startup Clutter and was previously a fellow at the Honor Foundation, a group that specifically helps Navy SEALs transition to civilian life.

He said veterans must enter the civilian world prepared to explain and demonstrate how exactly their skills cross over.

Evan Roth, an HBX CORe alum and former US Air Force captain who now works for GE Aviation, agrees.

"Not only does this involve creating a résumé that has readable — no strange acronyms — skill sets and experience, but also learning how to talk to companies in a way that demonstrates value," Roth said. "Many members never practice how to give a 15-second 'elevator pitch' about how they can be valuable to a company, or in an interview they'll tell a three minute 'war story' without tying it back to how this could be useful in the civilian world."

'What the heck are you talking about?'

Many branches of the military rely upon specific jargon and acronyms to get things done.

Randy Kelley, who served as a Navy SEAL sniper for 11 years, said this means things can get lost in translation for recent veterans.

"Just like in any other cross-cultural situation, it's going to create a little bit of animosity, and create the division that sometimes can actually hurt the military guy," the founder of wellness startup Dasein Institute told Business Insider. "They have to stop speaking to civilians like they understand what a PRT is. All these different things that were important to them in their last career are no longer relevant."

He said it's best for veterans to drop such phraseology in a civilian setting, and for civilian employers to understand where veterans are coming from.

"Veterans have to take the time to learn the jargon of the new environment and drop military acronyms," Kayla Williams, a US army veteran who now works as the director of the Center for Women Veterans at the Department of Veterans Affairs, told Business Insider.

But, in the case of recent vets, it's better to be understanding and ask for clarification, rather than just writing someone off because they're still relying upon a military style of communications.

'You must want to go back into security-related work'

Not all veterans automatically want to work for a defense contractor.

James Byrne, who served as a US Navy SEAL officer for 26 years, said it's important not to encourage veterans to "mentally lock themselves into the belief" that their skills only transfer to security-related industry.

When he first returned to civilian work, he said some well-intentioned civilians encouraged him to pursue a gig as a security guard at Walmart — simply because they couldn't envision his abilities translating elsewhere. Today, he's the director of sales and business development at solar tech company Envision Solar

"The sky's the limit," he told Business Insider. "You're only stopped by your imagination of what you can do and what you can work with your network and yourself and your education and your soft skills and hard skills. There's no limit to what you can do and how you can do it."

'You must be glad to be back'

The process of leaving the military can be disorienting for some veterans. It's patronizing to assume someone is in a better place just because they're no longer in the service.

Former US Marine Corps rifleman and Victor App founder Greg Jumes told Business Insider he struggled with addiction and lived out of his car for a time after he left the military.

"When you get out, you're surrounded by a group of people and you don't know what the hell their deal is," he said. "You just kind of feel all over the place and that kind of brings you back into a state of isolation."

He said it's crucial for military servicemembers interested in leaving to plan ahead.

"You have to plan," he said. "You have to find where you should be moving to. You have to start networking before you get out."

'You must have gone through so much'

Never assume you have an idea of what a veteran's experience was like.

"The narrative that has been established for returning veterans has been unhelpful," retired Green Beret Scott Mann, who served in the Army for 23 years, told Business Insider. "The narrative has been 'the island of misfit toys.' We're broken."

Today, Mann runs a leadership training organization MannUp and the Heroes Journey, a non-profit devoted to helping veterans transition. He said it's harmful to have a perception of veterans as "damaged goods."

"That could not be further from the truth, in most cases," he said. "There are cases where some people need care for the rest of their lives. Most of the veteran population are high functioning and we actually need them in our communities and businesses leading in the front, putting those skills into play."

Remember, there's a ton of diversity when it comes to the experiences military servicemembers have across the five branches — and even within those branches.

"What I did in the Navy is probably unlike with the other 99% of people did in the Navy," Charles Mantranga, Navy veteran and implementation manager at tech firm Exitus Technologies, told Business Insider. "It's pretty hard for people to understand it, really."

7 things you should never say to a veteran

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