Chloe Carmichael, PhD

<p>So you've made it to the third date with the same person...congrats! I don't mean that in a "you should be grateful they still like you" kind of wayI mean, congrats to you for finding someone who you click with enough to see not once, not twice, but three separate and deliberate times. That's not so easy these days, as you probably (okay, definitely) already know.</p>

<p>\"Society has, for whatever reason, led people to believe that the third date is the date...\"</p>

<p>That said, because of how rare the third date might be for some people, you might throw a lot of weight onto it. On one hand, you're more comfortable with this person than you were on the first date because, hi, you're no longer total strangers. But on the other hand, you're likely in your head more than usual. That's because society has, for whatever reason, led people to believe that the third date is the dateas in, if it goes well, you're suddenly a <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28659664/exclusive-dating/" id="2f1b6d10-56c0-3eb2-ad91-a4afbb2ad160">  legit couple, a.k.a. exclusive </a> .</p>

<p>But that's certainly not the case! Or at least, it shouldn't be. I generally tell my clients to continue seeing a potential partner for way more than three dates before they stop seeing other people. Why? There's still so much you won't (and can't) know about each other by the end of the third date. It doesn't need to be such a big deal.</p>

<h1> Oh! So how significant is the third date, really? </h1>

<p>The importance of the third date is really up to you, and it differs for everyone.  <strong> As a relationship therapist, though, I truly believe that the only reason the third date should feel more important than the previous two is that its now signifying a pattern. </strong>  At this point, youre starting to invest time and some amount of energy into seeing them potentially on a regular basis.</p>

<p><strong> Some women have a "three-date rule," where they wait until the third date to have sex. I'm not saying I agree or disagree, but having a date-specific personal law like this might encourage you to put even more pressure behind the date itself </strong> , because now you're suddenly thinking about whether you're both on board for sex and if it might actually happen. Who needs that pressure?</p>

<p>And for some people, the third date might feel like a tie-breaker, especially if either the first or second date weren't great. (It's sorta like a "three strikes, you're out" thing, but opposite.) But regardless, the truth is, there's no magical timeline for when you'll know if someone is <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a29212428/when-you-find-the-one/" id="75289386-207d-3a73-acb2-406082d5543f">  The One </a> . Placing too much meaning to a particular date can cause you to either attach to someone too quickly or, on the flip side, give up on them too soon.</p>

<h1> Got it. So what should I know by the third date? </h1>

<p>Probably not as much as you think! But there are a few things you should definitely know by the end of that outing, including:</p>

<p><strong>  1. You should know what their dating goals are.  </strong> Basically, are they dating to get married or are they dating for other reasons (say, a companion for social events, a casual-sex partner, or a third party for a <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28913681/polyamorous-relationship-rules/" id="ea9e1d87-82a4-3381-ae98-7db72c437542">  polyamorous relationship </a> )? If your goal is get married (to someone, eventually), you should absolutely know by this point if they're on the same page.</p>

<p><strong> 2. You should know if your values are compatible.  </strong> "Values" cover a wide range of topics, so you have to choose which ones matter most to you (that's what the word means, after all). Are they family-oriented, like you? Do they want kids or want only fur babies? Do they value their career and moving up the ladder? Do they work out and eat well to stay healthy? Do they drink regularly? Are they religious? These are all questions that you should have answered, to some degree, early on, in order to suss out whether your values work with theirs.</p>

<p><strong> 3. You should know if they're generally an upbeat person. </strong>  Negative Nancy's (or Nathan's) aren't fun to be around. By the third date, you should have an idea of whether this person has an optimistic attitude toward life or, eek, a pessimistic one. If they complain a lot about things that they have an amount of control over (like their job) over the first three dates, it's probably safe to assume that you'd be dealing with a lot of that grumpiness and lack of proactiveness in the future. Is that something you want? My guess is no!</p>

<p><strong> 4. You should know if their relationship with time meshes with yours.  </strong> What the heck does that mean, you ask? At its most simple, this: If you're a planner who lives by the clock and is never late to anything, and they're a last-minute, spontaneous, doesn't-wear-a-watch kind of bird, you might struggle a bit as a couple. Not to say that you can't work through it, but people who <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/a28409232/fear-of-not-doing-fond/" id="842b4afa-ae42-3365-a136-152bd2a36cc2">  respect time and fear wasting it </a> don't always jibe well with those who hardly notice it.</p>

<p>If your date shows up late more than once within the first three dates, doesn't make plans days in advance, or seems to have no problem "doing nothing," think about whether you'll be cool with that long-term. (P.S. You could be this laissez-faire person while they're more type-A...either way, make sure the contrast works for you!)</p>

<p><strong> 5. You should know if you don't want to see them again.  </strong> There's no point in wasting time with someone who you don't enjoy being around, at least on some level. If you feel that way, let the third date be your last.</p>

<p>However, if you have fun with this person but you can't decide if you want to see them againperhaps you're not sure if you're romantically interested in or sexually attracted to themI highly recommend you not cut them off after the third date. Here's why: Real attraction can (and typically does) develop as you get to know a person for who they are, not just what they look like. It's always nice to feel sexually drawn to your date, but sometimes you won't feel that "spark" right away. Try not to let that be the only thing that dissuades you from going out again.</p>

<p>Some people are also more reserved and less flirty on the first few dates, which could chip away at the sexual tension you're used to. And others just might be outside your usual type, and that's not a bad thing! Oftentimes, the relationships that start off really hot and heavy because of oozing sexual attraction end just as quickly as they started. In many cases, letting that connection simmer can actually be way better. </p>

<h1> So I shouldn't know if I want to be with this person by the end of the third date? </h1>

<p>Nope, not at all! In fact, try not to think about the future yet. If you start picturing yourself walking down the aisle with this (still relatively new) person in your life, you could end up getting out of what I call "info-gathering mode"essentially picking up on clues and evaluating them to decide if this person is actually a good long-term match for you. That's a really important mode to be in when you just started dating.</p>

<p><strong> The bottom line:  </strong> The third date isn't some monumental milestone that should be a make-it-or-break-it, event for a potential relationship. If you have a gut feeling one way or another about a person, listen to it. Otherwise, let yourself enjoy the ride...and a fourth yummy dinner with, at the very least, good company.</p>

Everything You Should Know By The Third Date

Dating and relationships aren't easy to navigate. WH advisor and therapist Dr. Chloe is here to help, tackling your most confusing issues and burning Qs.

Why The Third Date Matters And What You Should Know By The End Of It

<p>But other times, especially in the world of adult romantic relationships, things are lotand I mean a lotmurkier. Sorry! I don't make the rules. The problem is that when two people come together, they each carry desires, expectations, and boundaries...and when any of those are mismatched or not clearly defined, chaos tends to ensue. </p>

<p>\"When two people come together, they each carry desires, expectations, and boundaries...and when any of those are mismatched or not clearly defined, chaos tends to ensue.\" </p>

<p>It's not your fault: When you really like (or love) someone, your brain can trick you in several ways. You might start <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28830777/how-to-stop-overthinking/" id="fecabdfa-827e-39c8-aaa3-18a3d8d4e7a3">  overthinking everything </a> they do or say (because you're nervous about losing them, and want to be prepared for that possibility). You might subconsciously ignore red flags (because you don't want to see them). Or you might do both, all while growing more and more attached to them (because, hi, hormones), leaving you wondering if you're much more invested in the relationship or <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a27478820/situationship/" id="9f8a1c14-22df-3685-a19a-8c00e8710fc3">  situationship </a> than they are.</p>

<p>I can't exactly fix that from behind my computer screen (again, sorry!), but I can help you identify the common signs of a one-sided relationship. And better than that, I can help you find your way outwhether that means finally getting to a more balanced place with this person...or without them. Either way, you can't lose. </p>

<h1> 1. You feel like you're the one always initiating plans. </h1>

<p>In every relationship, there will be give-and-take that fluctuates over timemeaning, sometimes you might be putting in more effort, and other times they will be, depending on what's going on in your greater lives. </p>

<p>But let's say early into <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28659664/exclusive-dating/" id="777de0e3-51de-32e2-a3b7-747126d6bf2f">  dating or a committed relationship </a> , you're suddenly the one who is always reaching out for face time. It could be that they're not good about setting up plans in general...but it could also mean that they are less concerned with seeing you as you are with them. You have to decide if you're cool with either option.</p>

<h1> 2. You feel nervous about using words like relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. </h1>

<p>If, deep down, you want to be able to introduce this person a certain way to your friends or throw out the R word in front of them but you're worried you could scare them off, listen to that feeling. That's your gut sensing that you're more interested and invested in them than they are in you.</p>

<h1> 3. You accommodate to their suppressed level of intimacy. </h1>

<p>This one is a biggie, so pay attention. Early on, sometimes a person will point-blank tell you that they have some sort of trouble with intimacy. Maybe they're scarred from a past experience with a <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a27732615/cheated-on-boyfriend/" id="6ce8f55f-acbd-3b3a-a27b-fdc649907c22">  cheating ex </a> , they're damaged by their parents' divorce, or they're still <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19926456/how-long-does-it-take-to-get-over-someone/" id="c6e98551-04b6-3895-a30f-f3ae726f175c">  getting over a recent relationship </a> . Whatever the case, you might digest that info as a form of intimacy, because they're sharing something personal with you. Try not to do that.</p>

<p>What often ends up happening is you start making accommodations around their barrier to intimacy, and you can become comfortable with that. But that's a one-sided relationship, because they are not worried about losing you over their intimacy issues but you're now worried about losing them over how you respond to those issues. Not cool!</p>

<h1> 4. They aren't creating a "love map." </h1>

<p>I love this term from psychologist <a href="https://www.gottman.com/" id="f66271fd-f562-37bc-a8d2-42b8a77b4693">  John Gottman </a> , one of the leading marriage and divorce researchers. A love map is how a significant other sees their person's inner worldtheir hopes, dreams, desires, fears, insecurities, experiences, memories...all the things that make them, well, them.</p>

<p>If the person you're seeing isn't trying to get to know the pieces on your mental chess boardsomething that evolves over time, so the effort should be a continuous processthat's a true sign of a one-sided relationship.</p>

<h1> 5. They show little interest in your life outside of them. </h1>

<p>This one is sort of obvious, but a lot of folks, especially when they're excited about someone, don't pay attention to it. In the beginning, this may mean an interest in meeting your friends and family. After you've been together for a while, it may mean having a continued interest in being around those people or an awareness of what's going on in your life. </p>

<p>For example (because I love examples): It's their first day at a new job, so you cook them a special dinner and buy a bottle of champs to celebrate. On your first day, though, you get no more than a "Sooo, how was it?" Your partner doesn't need to do exactly what you did for thema relationship should never be about checks and balancesbut they should be doing the equivalent. Could they have picked you up from your new office? Could they have brought home flowers? Could they have done a little more to show you they're deeply invested in your goings-on? To at least one of those: yes.</p>

<p>J.Lo and A-Rod are definitely not in a one-sided relationship... Peep their timeline here:</p>

<h1> 6. You constantly have to make your plans fit into theirs. </h1>

<p>Speaking of your world versus theirs, sometimes it comes down to, quite simply, how often you're working around their schedule. If they generally call the shots on what you'll do together, where, and when so that it's convenient for themand they don't budge when you try to do the samethat's one-sided.</p>

<p>Let's say you have plans to see a movie together Sunday afternoon, and you get a text Sunday morning saying that they didn't sleep well last night and are feeling a bit under the weather, so they need to reschedule. Sound familiar?</p>

<p>That in itself isn't a bad sign, but if you're really into this person, you know a cold isn't going to keep you from sitting in a movie theater with them. If they're super casual about dismissing plans with you over something flimsy, chances are, you're more invested in them than they are in you. </p>

<h1> 8. They use work as a reason to keep you at arm's length. </h1>

<p>I get it: A person who is career-driven and motivated is sexy. But they know this! Which is why if they're often using work to avoid making definitive plans or justify bailing at the last second, they could be using their professional life as a crutch. It's hard to tell, but one clue: When they have free time, are they trying to spend it with you? If not, you're looking at, you guessed it, a one-sided situation.</p>

<h1> 9. You're always the one keeping the convo going. </h1>

<p>Look, not everyone is a great texter or huge talker. That's totally fine! But if there's been a <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28678471/should-i-text-him/" id="1eb428aa-fffd-369d-a20e-68154309cce4">  noticeable shift in their responsiveness </a> or they don't offer up face-to-face plans to communicate insteadyou may be on uneven terrain.</p>

<h1> 10. There's little talk of the future from their end. </h1>

<p>The goal in most relationships is to have a future together, right? So if you're thinking that way (good for you!), you're most likely going to express that at some point, either in the form of far-out plans (a wedding) or actual where-are-we-going (a.k.a. "DTR") conversations.</p>

<p>To be short and not so sweet, if someone avoids talking about the future with you, it's generally because they don't want to. Not because they don't see one, per se, but because they aren't quite ready to verbally address it yet. Again, that's totally fine. Though if you find yourself frequently wanting to have those talks or be their date for that 2020 wedding...it's safe to say things are one-sided, at least at the moment.</p>

<h1> Here's what to do if you're in one-sided relationship: </h1>

<p>So you mentally checked off some of the above signs? I feel for you. Now let's fix it.</p>

<p>The first thing to do is name the issue in a nonjudgmental way. For example: Think, This person doesn't seem to be as invested in me, rather than I'm an idiot for being so into this person who I'm clearly not good enough for.</p>

<p>Then, initiate a candid conversation about your observationsnot accusations. You don't want to push them even further away because they're not living up to your standards or you're trying to guilt them into being closer to you. So phrase it this way: "I've noticed I'm usually the one to reach out for plans with you. I'm just wondering if that's because I'm more interested in seeing you, or if because you're just someone who appreciates when the other person initiates." This gives you a chance to learn why they're behaving the way they do, and they'll be more likely to tell you the truth when they don't feel attacked. </p>

<p>If their answer is that they just really enjoy the ease and comfort of having you initiate and plan dates, you can say something like, "That's great to know! I'd love it if you could be more reassuring when I invite you somewhere, just so I know we're still on the same page." But if their answer confirms what you were worried aboutthat they're they're just not feeling the same way you areyou get to decide if that's good enough for you.</p>

<p>If your worst fear in this is that they just aren't super interested in starting or continuing a serious, long-term relationship with you, and that's the answer you get, that doesn't make them a bad person. Try not to blame them for it. And definitely don't blame yourself. An answer you don't want is better than no answer.</p>

<p>But do make it clear that you're invested in yourself enough to not settle for less than what you want and deserve. You can't force someone to take a step forward, but you can decide to take a step back. It's completely your choice and it may depend on how strong of a connection you feel with this person, but at the end of the day, it's impossible to feel stable in a one-sided relationship. That's why it's called one-sided. </p>

<p>The power is yours to make the next move. </p>

10 Signs You're In A One-Sided Relationship (Eek)

There are times in life when a relationship is so one-sided, you can just feel it. The high school best friend who stopped trying to hang with you once she got a boyfriend, the cat that hissed at you whenever you tried to hug it, the lab partner who bailed every time it was their turn to lead a project.

10 Signs You're In A One-Sided Relationship—And How To Fix It

<p>Fairytales and rom-coms have long perpetuated the idea that there's this one single person in the universe who's destined to be your forever partner, your soul mate, but as a relationship therapist, I'm here to tell you that's not the case. But waitit's a good thing!</p>

<p>I'm not even talking the whole clich "there's so many fish in the sea," "it's a numbers game," argument. I'm taking an even more realistic approach, which I actually find incredibly settling. </p>

<p>\"You can theoretically meet many \'The Ones,\' since neither you nor they are steadfast in who you/they were before you met.\"</p>

<p>You see, at their core, a relationship is supposed to help you learn and grow. When you enter into a relationship with a person, you naturally adapt and evolve a little bit based on what they bring out in youyou are, in short, impacted by your partner (hopefully for the better). Which means that you can theoretically meet many "The Ones," since neither you nor they are steadfast in who you/they were before you met. Isn't that kind of cool?</p>

<p>That said, especially in the early stages of datingwhen you're hyped up by hormones, lust, and what could beit can be all too easy to mistake a match for a meant-to-be mate. So to save yourself some confusion, here are 15 signs you've found Theor, in my opinion "A"One.</p>

<h1> 1. The One will be a relationship-oriented person. </h1>

<p>Okay, this should be an obvious sign, but in modern dating, it's often not (ugh). If you're questioning whether a person you've been hooking up with or dating <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28659664/exclusive-dating/" id="19d73216-f1de-3da5-a918-ebb3065a3607">  (exclusively or not) </a> has till-death-do-us-part potential, it's really important that they are looking for a relationship. Otherwise, you're going to end up putting a lot of pressure on yourself trying to keep them engaged and interested in you, and that should never be the precursor to lasting love.</p>

<h1> 2. The One will be someone who is set on you, too. </h1>

<p>I have to point this sign out because so many people love a challenge, which means they might end up chasing someone who isn't as into them. And <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a25565273/how-to-get-over-a-crush/" id="472f6e00-987e-3b00-a7fc-64687dcdce94">  unrequited crushes </a> (and even love) happen, and yet you'll still hear people say, "But I know deep down that they're The One." Do yourself a favor and trust that The One will be somebody who is just as excited about you as you are about them.</p>

<p>Sure, sometimes emotions build and one person might be more interested in the other in the beginning, but if after a few months of being around this person, they're openly lukewarm about you, they are not your person.</p>

<h1> 3. The One will be someone who you can trust. </h1>

<p>Trust is huge in a relationship, and that never changesin fact, it only becomes more important the longer you stay together, when life will test the strength of your 'ship (or marriage). If you see red flags early that make you question your partner's truthfulnessor you have any reason to doubt their <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28939557/cheating-confession-from-woman/" id="09884619-2b7e-37da-a278-96d1ed774407">  fidelity </a> it's going to very hard to trust them for the long run.</p>

<h1> 4. The One will be someone who makes your body feel happy. </h1>

<p>I don't necessarily mean there needs to be total sexual compatibility (that can be worked on), but there should be a mutual sexual attraction and a sense of "body comfort." That might mean you <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a28787206/how-to-have-multiple-orgasms/" id="0fe8d10c-7601-3dea-a483-ffd36cb85ab7">  orgasm easily </a> with them, or you just feel safe and peaceful cuddling in their nook. Whatever your body is looking for, you've found it in them.</p>

<p><strong> 5. The One might not have everything in common with you, but they'll respect any differences. </strong></p>

<p>Perhaps you're Jewish and they're Catholic, or you're vegan and they're a proud carnivore. No worries! As long as they don't shame you for your beliefs and valuesand rather support you in them the best they canthey have real long-term potential.</p>

<h1> 6. The One will be someone whose flaws you're able to acknowledgeand still tolerate. </h1>

<p>There's a difference between straight-up ignoring someone's shortcomings because you're otherwise infatuated with them and seeing their flaws and loving them anyway. You never want to ignore things that could be red flags (good example: financial recklessness or alcohol issues), but you do want to be with someone whose weaknesses you find manageable for the long haul (their tendency to pack at the last minute).</p>

<p>On that note, if you find yourself not particularly peeved by things that would bother the heck out of you if someone else was doing them (like, constantly blowing their nose), that's a good sign you may have found a lifer. Just know that after the butterfly phase, those rose goggles will be a little less opaque.</p>

<h1> 7. The One will be someone with whom you don't feel pressure to be perfect 24/7. </h1>

<p>Obviously, no one is perfect, not even you. That said, you likely want to be the most perfect version of you when you're around your partnerthat's a good sign!but you also need to have moments and days when you're not your bubbliest, shiniest self. If you find someone who you feel totally comfortable being a little off on appropriate occasions, that's an even better sign.</p>

<p>You may have forgotten about some of these engaged celebs who found The One: </p>

<h1> 8. The One will be someone with whom you can transition between having fun and being serious. </h1>

<p>You want (and really, need) someone who can relate to you on the full spectrum of lifethat means a person who can be casual, silly, funny, and affectionate, but also strong and insightful when life calls for it. Having a partner who's there for you in one area (be it the fun times or the serious stuff) but not the other will leave you wanting more. </p>

<h1> 9. The One will be someone who makes you laugh at yourself. </h1>

<p>On the note of someone you can have fun with, your ideal forever person will also help you take yourself less seriously. Humor is a clutch way to be able to step outside yourself and see things with a greater, fresher perspectiveand anyone who can help you do that is a keeper. </p>

<h1> 10. The One will be someone who works through conflict with you. </h1>

<p>A person who threatens the relationship or shuts you out when a scuffle comes up isn't The One. If you constantly find yourself having to apologize or put your needs aside, that will only continue as the relationship goes on. Even if they don't have the best resolution skills, they'll at least work on improving them...for the both of you.</p>

<h1> 11. The One will know how to fight (and make up) with you. </h1>

<p>Speaking of scuffles, a great sign of a solid match for you is a fighting style that doesn't make mountains out mole hills. Whether this person either just gets you, what makes you tick, and how to come to common ground from the get-goor they figure it out by learning about youthey will do their d*mnedest to communicate and compromise.</p>

<p>P.S. The easier you're able to work through conflicts or differences together, the better, but for some couples, that takes time. </p>

<h1> 12. The One will take a genuine interest in your life, and you will, theirs. </h1>

<p>You could fall for a person who is all about you all the timethat is, until, you try to integrate them into other areas of your life. The One will take a true interest in your family and friends, your childhood, your career, and your intereststhe things that take up your everydaybecause, simply put, they want to be part of your everyday.</p>

<p>Similarly, you will want to learn as much as you can about who they are outside of your relationship.</p>

<h1> 13. The One will lean on you for support, and let you lean on them. </h1>

<p>Life is not easy. I don't need to tell you that. A lifetime partner is someone who is strong enough to be there for you when sh*t hits the fanand is also strong enough to come to you when they need support, too. A lot of people (men especially) build and keep emotional walls that prevent them being vulnerable. But if you both can't be vulnerable with each other, you're missing out on a deeper connection.</p>

<h1> 14. The One will share a similar vision of your future. </h1>

<p>Where you'll live, whether you'll get married and/or have kids, who will support the fam, how often you'll travelall of these topics are things you'll want to be aligned on for your relationship to work out for the long haul.</p>

<p>I believe that people evolve and their goals and visions for their future sometimes change, which can cause some couples to grow apart. But when you're with The One, you're able to picture the day-to-day in pretty similar terms. That's not the same as compromising: Compromising on big life desires (like having children, for example) for someone else often ends up being more of a sacrifice, which can lead to resentment.</p>

<h1> 15. The One will put in the work to make you feel loved. </h1>

<p>Above all, know that The One will give as much as they take. Relationships aren't one-hundred percent equal, one-hundred percent of time. But when you find The One, you'll know. And not because you get some magical feeling (I don't entirely subscribe to that idea), but because they'll make an equal effort to understand your fears, your love languages, your needs...just you. And they won't stop at anything short of making sure you know that you're their One, too. </p>

This Is How You Know You've Found 'The One'

Dr. Chloe, one of our advisory board members, answers your most pressing love and relationship questions every other week on WomensHealthMag.com.

Is 'The One' Real—And How Do I Know If I Found Them?

<p>Because here's the thing: Whether you are a few months into dating a new person, are in that early and agonizing (but fun) "talking" phase, or are years into a committed long-term relationshipthe going-down-the-rabbit-hole habit can cause a ton of problems for both you and your bond. So I'm going to teach you how to stop overthinking and save you a lot of unnecessary drama.</p>

<h1> But first, why do people overthink, anyway? </h1>

<p>In practically every case, you're obsessing over a situation or interaction that went down with another person. I mean, how often do you stop to fixate on something that you did when no one else was around? Probably never. </p>

<p>Overthinking is almost always in relation to someone else, since you have no possible way of knowing what another person is thinking at any given time. Overthinking can happen with coworkers, bosses, family members, friends, strangersanyone, reallybut it most often occurs (or at least, you notice it most) in regard to a romantic interest or partner. </p>

<p>You see, thinking about someone you like is a way of being close to them, of, quite literally, keeping them on your mind. Then when a conversation or situation comes up that, for whatever reason, makes you uncertain of how they feel about you or your relationship, you go into "figure it out" mode as a way to have control.</p>

<p>Yep, it's often a control thing. Let's say a guy suddenly starts texting you less frequently, or a girl you're digging hasn't initiated a third date, much to your surprise. You start rehashing everything that you said on your last date, rereading messages, trying to find hidden meaning in whatever they've done or haven't done, all in an attempt to pin their change in behavior or lack of engagement to a particular moment. </p>

<p>Because if you're able to "figure it out," then you're able to "fix it." Or, at least, so it seems. Truth is, in most cases, you'll never really know why someone didn't move forward with you, and even if you somehow do, it's probably not something that can be "fixed."</p>

<h1> That doesn't sound so bad. What's the problem? </h1>

<p>The extreme type of overthinking is likely the kind that brought you herecatastrophic overthinking. You may know it well: He's never going to call me again. Or, I totally blew it. Or, That's the worst thing I could have possibly said; I'm such an idiot. These are the overblown negative thoughts that you might unknowingly use as a defense mechanism, to protect yourself from the sting of anticipated rejection.</p>

<p>If you're worried that someone might be rejecting you or losing interest in you, it feels easier to jump to an absolute conclusion. That way, if you do hear from them again, you feel a sense of relief and surprised excitement. And if you don't? Well, you've already braced yourself for that. </p>

<p>That's not all that detrimental on its own (you need to protect your heart, after all), but when it becomes a regular habit, all that negative thinking can really take a toll on your self-esteem. </p>

<p>It can also damage your relationship with partners overall, because you're so used to imagining reasons why someone might reject you. You could end up projecting those imaginary reasons on the next person you dateeffectively turning yourself into an anxious, walking-on-your-own-eggshells body rather than a present partner and preemptively blaming someone for things that aren't really there. </p>

<p>If the person has already exited (or ugh, <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a24892569/what-is-ghosting/" id="7fdcbf12-9a93-39ed-aae2-b148b10007f9">  ghosted </a> ), listing all the possible reasons why and analyzing each in an attempt to understand what happened will only drive you even crazier. Again, there's no way of knowing what someone is really thinking or why they do what they do, so playing Sherlock to figure it out won't do you any good.</p>

<h1> Alright, I get it. Now how do I stop overthinking? </h1>

<h1> 1. Figure out what's driving you to overthink. </h1>

<p>First things first, check in to see if you're on pins and needles because the person you're talking to is sending you mixed signals. Ironically, when a situation is a little confusing, you might be tantalized by it because you want to "solve the puzzle" and get your goal (the guy/girl).</p>

<p>If they're not being confusing but you're still combing over every text and interaction because you have a hardcore crush, be kind to yourself (it's sweet!), but then move on to step 2. </p>

<h1> 2. Remind yourself of the truth. </h1>

<p>If the issue is a confusing person, take a sec to tell yourself that you deserve better than mixed messages, and that real excitement should come from mutual interest, not confusion. So instead of getting sucked in, focus on other people until this person can stop being all over the place. </p>

<p>And if they're just a confusing person in general? You don't want to start a relationship on a dynamic where you have to decipher everything they say and do. That's a recipe for disaster.</p>

<h1> 3. Note where you're coming from. </h1>

<p> When you're in a bit of a funk about something someone said or did, ask yourself: Is this about that person? Or is it actually about me? </p>

<p>For example, if you just had a big fight with your dad and the next morning, a coworker says something that irks you, is it the nerves around your family fight that's making you more sensitive? That's crucial intel that can help you scale back your spiraling brain.</p>

<p><strong> 4. Suss out where the other person is coming from. </strong></p>

<p>If you're pretty certain you aren't projecting, take a minute to consider things from the other person's perspective. Maybe this person is having a bad day, just makes regularly inappropriate comments, or perhaps they remind you of your sister who you've always been competitive with. </p>

<p>In that case, no need to overthink. Either show them more compassion or distance yourself a bitdo what feels right to you.</p>

<h1> 5. Consider the situational context. </h1>

<p>If the answer is no to either of those, maybe the discomfort is about a current situation: In the case of a coworker, are you both vying for the same position? In a romantic scenario, have you been burned by a previous crush before? That could make you read into things unnecessarily.</p>

<p>Ultimately, understanding why you're overthinking can help you stop overthinking, because it takes the sting out of it.</p>

<h1> 6. Acknowledge your vulnerability. </h1>

<p>If your overthinking is all because you're crushing on someone, and regardless of how much enthusiasm they show, you're still in your head about it, I get it. It's hard not to look for clues in every single exchange.</p>

<p>Let yourself feel the feelsbut remember that that means you're in sensitive territory. You don't want to over-focus on someone before they've proven that they're ready to do the same for you. So do whatever you can to spend time with friends or other prospects, not just to distract yourself, but to tell your brain that that there are more important things/people out there, too.</p>

<p>Physically separate yourself from your phone, which is most likely the source of all your overthinking. Leave it at home when you go for a walk, turn it off when you're with friends...whatever you can do to get literal and figurative distance from your obsession.</p>

<p>Confused by your almost or actual hubs/wifey? The advantage here is that you're in a position where you can (or at least, should be able to) comfortably ask them what's behind their unusual behavior, so you can both figure out if it's something you need to address together. </p>

<p>Just be sure that you are never accusatory (use the old "I" statements) and always compassionate, as your goal is to get them to open up, not shut down.</p>

<p>If nothing else, when you find yourself inevitably overthinking, do whatever you can to notice it and understand why. Literally try saying to yourself, "I don't need to go there right now." And move on to something else (something that isn't confusing!).</p>

<h1> 10. Remember that you have no control over others. </h1>

<p>Going with the flow is hard, but when you realize that you have zero control over what other people do or say, it suddenly becomes much, much easier. </p>

<p>Situations become less of a big deal, and that's freeing. Kinda like getting that bad zit...just let it be.</p>

<p> "Dr. Chloe" Carmichael, PhD, is a relationship therapist in New York City, author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating, and proud member of WH's advisory board. She's here to answer all your dating, relationship, and life questionsno holds barred.</p>

THIS Is How You Stop Overthinking For Good

Overthinking is like getting a bad pimpleit happens to everyone. Your mom, your sister, your best friend (obviously...you're the first to hear about it!), they're all guilty of it. So before I get started, take solace in knowing that you're not alone in your never-ending "Omg, what if..." thoughts. Especially if you're the high-achiever type (which, duh, you are!), it's human nature to try to analyze people and situationsbut sometimes, you have to let that ish go.

Ask Dr. Chloe: How Do I Stop Overthinking Once And For All?

<p>And I'm all for you making the <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19939398/making-the-first-move/" id="78647ab4-8fe6-39ea-a230-ab0ff67b921c">  first move </a> . It shows that you're confident and cool with taking the initiative to go after what you want-two very sexy things in a potential partner. Now here's how to do it, to get a near-guaranteed, overwhelming yes:</p>

<p>\"Think of something that you\'d already be doing, with or without this person\'s company...\"</p>

<p>Think of something that you'd already be doing, with or without this person's company-then use that as the hook for the date. </p>

<p>Keep the activity to something under 90 minutes and with zero learning curve (so skip the day-hike or fly-fishing ask), since the more variables you add, the greater the risk they won't be able to make it. And the bigger the commitment you ask of them, the grander the statement about your level of interest. </p>

<p><strong> My favorite example: "Hey, there's a new sushi place opening up. I'm thinking of trying it on Thursday. Want to join?"  </strong></p>

<p>This way, the emphasis isn't on "I would like to spend more time with you"-it's on "I'm doing fun, cool things and giving you an opportunity to be a part of them." You instantly <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a26038648/take-it-slow-dating/" id="5a08c140-8dfd-3967-afcb-3dd72942283b">  remove pressure </a> when you frame the date as a casual invitation, and you also give them a behind-the-curtains glimpse into your vibrant life.</p>

<p>Let's be real: No one wants to be with a total bore. It's super attractive to people when you show them that you have a beat on what's happening in the world and the music isnt stopping in your life, regardless of their presence in it. </p>

<p>So if they say no, that's a bummer...but their response can give you prime intel. If they reply with something like, "I don't like sushi, but how about that Greek place downtown?" or "I'm busy Thursday, but are you free next week?" then at least you know they're interested.  On the flip side, if they decline and don't offer up an alternative, then you know they're not that into it-or they don't have the social skills to bounce the ball back into your court. Either way, you don't want that person in your life.</p>

<p>Your response to a " <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a26750084/how-to-get-over-rejection/" id="00c60a10-53b1-3f2e-afe3-802fb300292e">  rejection </a> "? Pretend you're in an office environment, and go for courteous-professional mode. Shoot back with something simple and kind, like, "No worries, have a good rest of your week!" And then go do said activity without them.</p>

<p>In fact, it can't hurt to have a friend-or another love interest in mind-lined up before you ask someone out. Instead of sitting there, staring at your phone, feeling a bit rejected, you'll be well on your way to deciding what you'll wear while you stuff your face with spicy tuna. </p>

<p>Because at least you know sushi will make you happy...and you can't say the same (sadly) about any first date.</p>

<p>"Dr. Chloe" Carmichael, PhD, is a relationship therapist in New York City, author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating, and proud member of WH's advisory board. She's here to answer all your dating, relationship, and life questions-no holds barred. </p>

So...you want to ask a guy (or girl) out on a date? Congrats! Finding someone you're interested in enough to spend actual time with is half the battle in dating. (Actually, these days, probably more than half...)

Ask Dr. Chloe: 'How Do I Ask A Guy Out?'

<p>Of course, everyone should have their own set of dating rules, cherry-picked to their own wants and needs. Ideally, these rules will push you toward healthy relationships and pull you away from what could become <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a29402191/one-sided-relationship-signs/" link="null" rel="noopener noreferrer"> one-sided </a> or <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/" link="null" rel="noopener noreferrer"> toxic </a> ones (or not relationships at all, a.k.a. <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a27478820/situationship/" link="null" rel="noopener noreferrer"> situationships </a> ), in order to save you time, energy, and lots of conflicting emotions. Keep in mind that sometimes the rules that are most crucial for you to follow through on might be the ones that are the least fun to keep, so try not to blow off your own dating rules just because you find them challenging. You put them in place for a reasontrust yourself, girl!</p>

<p>\"Keep in mind that sometimes the rules that are most crucial for you to follow through on might be the ones that are the least fun to keep...\"</p>

<p>Now, if you're struggling to figure out your own dating rules, I might be able to help you out. I coach a lot of women (and men!) on how to cultivate a healthy dating life, because unfortunately, you can't depend on Cupid to make all the magic happen (if only it were that simple...). These are my top 11 dating rules to consider in this wild world of modern romance. Choose the rules that work for you, ditch the ones that don't, and of course, experiment as needed to find your own. There's no right or wrong here.</p>

<p><strong> 1. Date multiple people at once. </strong></p>

<p>Yes, you heard me! Before you enter an agreed-upon monogamous relationship, do yourself a favor and play the field. Because here's what's most likely to happen if you don't: You meet someone you really like, you go out with them again, things escalate, and thenbamthey either pull away, ghost, or tell you they're not looking for something serious. Now you're crushed because you're emotionally invested in thembut they haven't invested at all in you. When you're even the slightest attached to a person, the disappointment stings. Spare yourself the hurt by putting a metaphorical egg in several baskets.</p>

<p><strong> 2. Keep dates short. </strong></p>

<p>I like to tell my clients not to let dates go on for more than 90 minutes. Why? That's enough time to get to know the person on a surface level and (hopefully) feel a spark, but not long enough that your brain starts getting carried away with the excitement of the potential. Dinner dates that spontaneously turn into a five-hour bar crawl or movie night can be incredibly fun, but they can also leave you in a state of confusion and despair if nothing develops from the marathon outing afterward.</p>

<p>Not to mention, when you keep dates brief, you're less likely to burn out and swear off dating if they're not all that great. Make your love life easy on yourself!</p>

<p><strong> 3. Be upfront about wanting a relationship. </strong></p>

<p>If, that is, indeed what you want. There's nothing to be gained by hiding the fact that you're ultimately looking for your forever person, but there's a lot you can lose by it. For one, your emotional sanity when the person you've been dating digs their heels in keeping things casual, and two, a lot (sometimes a LOT) of time.</p>

<p>If you're worried that telling a potential partner you want a relationship (in general, not necessarily with them) because you think it'll scare them off or make you seem desperate, let go of that idea. Anyone who bails when you're honest about your intentions isn't someone who would stick around in the long run, anyway, so you're doing yourself a solid.</p>

<p><strong> 4. Avoid talking about exes on early dates. </strong></p>

<p>An oldie but a goodie dating rule, for a reason: Talking about past relationships and breakups gets heavy fast, and the first few dates should be light and easy. Sure, finding out how someone's last few major relationships endedand opening up about how yours did, toois a great way to <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a22062478/questions-to-ask-your-boyfriend/" link="null" rel="noopener noreferrer"> learn about the person </a> and connect on a deeper level. But there's plenty of time for that later, so hold off for the first handful of dates.</p>

<p>If they bring up the ex convo, divert it with something like: "Id be happy to tell you about that stuff when we get to know each other a little better, but for now I'm really enjoying hearing about XYZ."</p>

<h3>5. Pay more attention to follow-through than advanced planning.</h3>

<p>I totally understand why some women might not want to accept a last-minute date (or have a Three-Day Rule, or some such), but I wouldn't write off someone based on how far (or not far) in advance they initiate a date. Some people are just not great planners! And everyone knows how hectic life can be.</p>

<p>I would, however, notice if they mention plans and then don't follow up on them when the day comesyou want a mature adult who's willing and ablenot to mention, interested enoughto make things happen.</p>

<p>Of course, if you feel like they habitually hit you up out of convenience or they rarely make an attempt to show you that they're thinking about you, then you should feel free to let them know...or lose their number entirely.</p>

<p>Confused by modern dating? You're not alone. WH has answers...well, some at least:</p>

<p><strong> 6. Don't feel obligated to send a thank-you text. </strong></p>

<p>Oh man, the thank-you text. Is there any text more debated and controversial than the one that directly follows the first date? I know some people think the woman absolutely should send one shortly after the end of the first date to let the other person know that she's interested, and then others think it should always fall on the guy (assuming you're pursuing a male prospect).</p>

<p>\"As long as you thanked your date warmly and sincerely in person before parting ways, I believe there\'s no reason to send a follow-up text.\"</p>

<p>I'm sort of old-school when it comes to pursuit dynamics, which evolutionarily speaking, tend to be led by the male. As long as you thanked your date warmly and sincerely in person before parting ways (which, btw, you absolutely should do whether you're into seeing them again or not), I believe there's no reason to send a follow-up text. Doing so can put them in a position where they feel obligated to respond in a certain way and removes any healthy tension on their part of wondering, Oh, she said she had a good time; I think she likes me, but I'll have to feel her out in a few days. That's a great place to leave them.</p>

<p>That said, if you worry that you were a little standoffish or far from flirty on the date (I get it...nerves!), you can reassure them that you enjoyed yourself via text. Don't overthink this. It's not a job interviewif you know you showed your enthusiasm in person, the ball is in their court. Let them throw it.</p>

<p><strong> 7. Give them two weeks to reach out again. </strong></p>

<p>I know, I knowtwo weeks?! But hear me out.</p>

<p>Even after a great date, someone might need to figure out how compatible they think you two might be and what plans they can make. I urge you not to read a whole lot into how quickly they text youas long as its within two weeks. That's plenty of time for a person to have decided whether and when they want to see you again. (After that point, it's safe to assume that they're unable or unwilling to prioritize even the idea of you. Next!)</p>

<p>Pay attention to how they follow up when they dothats an important of what youre looking at. Waiting a week to send a one-word text ("Heyyyyy") is very different from reaching out after 10 days with, "Hey, things have been hectic at work, but Id love to see you againare you free next week?" How they pursue you is more important than how quickly they pursue you, so keep that in mind when your post-date anxiety kicks in.</p>

<p><strong> 8. Wait at least a few dates to have sex. </strong></p>

<p>I'm not anti- <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a28710928/first-date-sex/" link="null" rel="noopener noreferrer"> first-date sex </a> , but I'm also not necessarily for it. As a therapist, I know that it's it's very, very important to truly know not only someone's intentions but also whether their actions align with them, and that's hard to figure out upon first meeting them.</p>

<p>One-thousand percent, to each their own, especially on this topicbut in my professional opinion, a dating rule that can really come in handy for sparing your precious heart is avoiding sexual intimacy until you know you're both looking for the same thing. If that's just a sexual connection, great! But if it's something more, like an actual relationship, you want to make sure that that's their goal, too. Because having sex only makes you feel even more attached to a person...and can sometimes make you feel down on yourself if they don't end up committing to you. No one needs to feel that.</p>

<p><strong> 9. Don't freak out about who pays. </strong></p>

<p>It's almost 2020, and it's time to stop forcing gender norms on dates. Assuming you're a female seeking a male partner, there's absolutely no reason the man has to pay for the date, just as much as there's absolutely no reason the woman shouldn't. This is an opportunity to do what makes you comfortable and stays within your values.</p>

I don't have to tell you that dating today is the most complicated it's ever been. Anyone who owns a phone knows that truly connecting with someoneand seeing them consistently enough to build an actual, <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28659664/exclusive-dating/" link="null" rel="noopener noreferrer"> exclusive relationship </a> (gasp)is tougher than an overcooked steak. But that's where dating rules come in: When you have guardrails in place to help you stay in your la...

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

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