#PulseFirstLove is a weekly series that captures the emotions people felt, and the motions they went through the first time they tried being in a relationship.
Millions of women all over the world suffer abuse and assualt from romantic partners annually. For the woman at the center today's #PulseFirstLove story, 2 months were all it took to realise how true this is, and how bad the situation can get. She shares her first relationships ordeals and how she ended up learning Taekwondo for self-defense.
Tell me about your first boyfriend
He was an awful person. I’m not even going to mince words. Sometimes I wonder how someone could be that terrible at 19.
I’m so sorry
Yeah. That’s all water under the bridge now.
Let’s ease into this.
Who was your first celebrity crush?
Justin Bieber. LOL. Man! I had so many pictures of that boy on my phone back then. I knew all his songs, read all about him and the happenings in his life. Dark times.
LMAO. Nothing to be shy about
And when was the first time a guy asked you out, can you remember?
One useless bros in our church that year. Eww. This guy must have been 26 or so, I’m just guessing, but I was 14. I was 14 for christ’s sake. My boobs were barely visible at the time and I was pretty flat yet this guy was making moves on me. Men are ain’t shit sha. You know this, right?
I’ve heard it said a couple of times.
So back to your first boyfriend. How did you guys meet?
University. Freshman Orientation Programme in Ife. We sat close to each other at the Amphi Theatre - that’s one huge ass auditorium where such things are held - and since the thing was boring, everyone was just doing as they pleased. He struck up a conversation and cracked a lot of jokes. He seemed cool and at the end of the event, I gave him my number.
What happened after?
Oh he pursued me. Like, a lot. I am actually good looking and I give him that, he’s not bad himself. But I was not attracted to him. Besides, I was just 17 in 100L and the last thing I wanted to do was get into a relationship especially when you consider how much my parents had warned me to focus on school first before thinking of such things.
That’s what they all say.
I know right? Anyway, I thought we could be friends, he wanted more and kept pushing for it so at the end of 100L I said yes.
What changed your mind?
Honestly? I think it had to do more with his insistence and relentless pursuit than anything else. Also, I was thinking; well, 100L is over, I now understand how this school thing goes, I’m fully settled. Why not give this love thing a shot?
And how did that go?
Awful. Right from the very beginning. When I woke up the first time we did a sleepover, he ‘jokingly’ said I’m not so pretty and that he wished my department people could come and see their beauty queen at that moment.
Wow
He also hit me one time in the course of the relationship.
Ah. I’m so -
Don’t be sorry yet oh. Me I hit him back sha. But that was not even the worst. It was the manipulation, the gaslighting and terrible verbal abuse. This guy used to tell me that I wasn’t that beautiful and that my beauty was exaggerated because I’m light skinned. This guy tried to make me feel bad for my inability to come see him when I had two days of insane menstrual cramps. He was just terrible. See, we were done in two months. I still regret that relationship sef. It should not have happened.
I don’t think you should blame yourself for that
I know his awfulness is not my fault but I just can’t help it. I really think that my spirit warned me enough. Like I said, that shit of a relationship was not meant to have happened.
Were there no signs before you started dating?
I asked myself that question too. Did I miss something? Did he show and I ignored? But the answer is ‘no.’ He did great at hiding his evil, manipulative side. Or let me say, the manipulation, insecurity and need for control jumped out when we started dating.
Does any particular situation come to mind?
We both lived outside campus but he shared an apartment with two other guys, one of whom I detested so badly. So I and that guy had an altercation on one of those days after he’d said something condescending about me making food for them. I gave him a piece of my mind. My boyfriend was there oh, he did not say anything. In fact, he was laughing and pressing his phone. And I did not even mind because, hey, I am enough to defend myself. I sha left angrily. Can you believe that this guy never said anything about it? Didn’t apologise to me for his friend’s idiocy, didn’t tell his friend to apologise. Now I thought I handled the situation well on the spot but I expected him to at least do something in my absence. You know, have my side even if it’d be guy-to-guy. But no. What did my boyfriend do? He tried to make me apologise to this guy.
What?
Yeah. Few days after the incident at his place, he was at mine and brought up that issue but all he was concerned about was how the thing affected his relationship with his guys and how I made him look bad and ‘out of his control’ by standing up to the guy the way I did. That was when I lost it. So it was not enough that I had to put your friend in his place when you were present and should have defended me, now you are trying to tell me that defending myself was wrong? Things got very heated. He hit me, I hit him back and started yelling very loudly so my neighbours came around and he couldn’t do anything but leave.
Wow. I’m so sorry.
Omo. See threats from him and his friends. Apparently my nails did an obvious damage to his face when I hit him. They sent me scary texts. Even him. Something something about how they’d fuck up my face since it’s the beauty that seems to be making me puffed up. I had to start taking Taekwondo classes to learn small self defense, I informed some of my student union friends as well and didn’t move alone for a few weeks because I was scared. Thankfully nothing physical happened after that. But he and his friends obviously still hated me. Not like I cared.
I’m sorry this happened to you
Man, it was a crazy traumatising period for me oh. Fuck them sef. I hope they’re all having a bad day wherever they are.
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There's more where this came from. Get all First Love Stories here.