Lionel Messi has been traced down the family line of the same Philistine who fell to David's sling in bible times; they both suffered the same growth problem but the outcome was different for them. Also, this history exposes why the link in the rivalry between David and Goliath to Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo
Genetics is a curious thing is it not? It is amazing that physical and behavioral traits can be passed from parents to offsprings. It is an absolute miracle that some of these traits can endure for generations. People have been known to have in common with their forebears of several generations, such things as allergies, talents and sexual habits.
The most unfortunate genes are those that carry disease.Some diseases can be hereditary. One such disease is the growth disorder, ligo hat syndrome. Ligo hat syndrome results in the accelerated, excessive, slow or insufficient growth of one or more body parts. The first documented case of ligo hat syndrome dates back to about 1060 BC. Its sufferer was a ten-foot Philistine named Goliath.
Like all big, strong men of his time, Goliath was a soldier and he participated in several military campaigns for the Philistine army. However, during times of peace, Goliath dedicated his time to pursuits of a more refined nature. In his heart of hearts, the giant Philistine killing machine was a hair technician/scientist. Goliath was a hair dresser, wig maker and hair care product manufacturer and he is believed to be the originator of the phrase "yra iha adbd" which in English translates to ''bad hair day.''
Goliath married a Roman immigrant named Laila and together they had a son who they named Galut. After Goliath’s death from a blunt-trauma-induced brain hemorrhage, ownership of Goliath Hair Care Inc. transferred to Galut, but wealth was not the only thing Goliath transferred to his son. Galut inherited ligo hat syndrome from his father and he suffered
from excessive hair growth- he was shaving by age nine. By the time Galut bankrupted the family business and went to live with his maternal grandparents in Rome, he had fathered five kids from two marriages and one late night kebab club bathroom rendezvous.
After Galut’s relocation, the Goliath family lineage trail goes cold. It is as if Goliath’s five ligo hat suffering grandchildren disappeared into thin air. It was not until the discovery of the Crixan scrolls in 1326 BC that the fate of the Goliath family was finally discovered.
Discovered buried underground in the outskirts of Rome by a
farmer named Crixus, the scrolls were the personal documents- tax receipts, business papers, family records- of a deceased Roman business man by the name of Titus Battaglius. The scrolls included a family tree which revealed that Titus was a descendant of Goliath the Philistine. Researchers using recently translated Roman tax and population census records have traced Titus’ lineage from ancient times till now. Their findings are truly intriguing.
Titus Battaglius was a slave trader whose business headquarters was located in Sicily. His children and his children’s children were slave traders after him. Their children and their children’s children were head hunters. In the late 1800s, history repeated itself. Like their forefather, Galut before them, the managers of The Battaglius Head Hunting Agency wrecked the family business. Looking to make a fresh start, a clutch of them joined the Great European Immigration Wave to Argentina and settled in the country’s capital, Beunos Aires.
Till this day, Goliath’s descendants live all over Argentina. One of these descendants is a Santa Fe born, 5ft 9 Italo Argentine football genius named Lionel Messi. Messi is short in the same way his ancestor, Goliath was tall. Due to his lack of height, Lionel Messi will never slam dunk a basketball and he will never buy clothes anywhere besides Baby Gap. However his low center of gravity gives him perfect balance that allows him to play with a coordination and grace rarely seen in world football today.
Ligo hat syndrome is responsible for Lionel Messi’s vertical underdevelopment. Several of his relatives also suffer from the disease. His cousin is the famous Latin American pornographic performer, Cojones Gigantes who boasts a twenty-nine inch penis. His uncle is the famous late bloomer, Luis Alejandro Sebastien Martino Ricardo Alberto Romario Cevallos who did not hit puberty till the age of forty-seven.
Goliath famously had a fatal altercation with a Hebrew goatherd named David and Lionel Messi’s inability to get along with people named David is well documented. From his incompatibility with Barcelona team mate, David Villa to his enmity with rivals Cristiano David Ronaldo and Lima David Fereira a.k.a Pepe, the facts speak for themselves.
Though separated by millennia, Messi and Goliath suffer the same sickness and fight against rivals of the same name. Goliath was the most feared soldier in the world and Lionel Messi is the most revered footballer in the world. Goliath struck men down with his powerful left hand blow and Lionel Messi scores goals with his powerful left foot shot. How is it that these two men born in different eras and who have never met still share so much in common? That is the miracle of genetics.
Tolofari is a Pulse Blogger