Here's the speech President didn't give before leaving for London

I am heading to London again for medical treatment, not to see the Queen.

The Queen can wait.

I need to level up with you guys as quickly as possible: I am critically ill.

The ailment is anything from Crohn’s disease to prostate cancer.

I’ll let the Doctors put a finger on what exactly ails me and I promise to make a full disclosure as soon as I’m privy to Doctors’ diagnosis; after all, I ran a campaign that was premised on accountability and transparency.

As I told you last time, I can’t recall being so ill in my lifetime; even as a young soldier.

No one bargains for illness and trust me, I didn't bargain for this.

My illness has taken a toll on governance, I've got to admit.

Our nation doesn’t need the distraction of my constant trips abroad for medical treatment.

But you see, I am no spring Chicken no more.

At 74 years of age, my body and system is bound to cave in more than most.

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And as soon as I and the Doctors can ascertain that I can't continue with leading you, I'll tender my resignation, Insha Allah.

I wasn't born with this job and won't die with this job.

As a matter of fact, I am ashamed of myself and ashamed on behalf of all past leaders of this country for not equipping our medical facilities over the years.

We never fixed our deplorable health-care system since this nation attained independence.

I and other past leaders of our country screwed up this nation, big time, and I am using this opportunity to apologise on their behalf.

We’ve got to take our ‘L’ because we deserve all the ‘L’ you can hurl at us.

If we had fixed our hospitals or even the Aso Rock clinic, I won’t have to spend tax payers’ money or scarce forex on trips abroad to look after myself.

We messed up big time and once again, we are sorry.

I promise to give you regular updates while I am away from the country. I didn’t do that last time but I’ll fix that this time around.

I am aware that I am now public property and because I respect you the people who gave me this job, I won’t leave you speculating about the state of my health this time.

Not briefing you will only leave room for unfounded, baseless rumours and nobody wants that.

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I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me and what the Doctors are saying at every opportunity, because all public servants owe the people the truth and nothing but the truth.

We need to be honest with the Nigerian people because when we are not, we leave room for all kinds of speculation and ‘fake news’.

I am sure you saw how frail, emaciated and weak I looked before I left Nigeria last week. Heck, my voice was even beginning to fail me as I addressed the rescued Chibok Girls.

But it’s all good.

I’ll survive this like I survived election defeats in 2003, 2007 and 2011 before finally making it to Aso Rock in 2015.

It is Allah that gives life. It is Allah that takes life. I’m a mere mortal like the rest of you and all I ask is that you pray for me.

In my absence, Vice President Yemi Osinbajo will continue to run the affairs of state in his capacity as Acting President.

He did a darn good job while I was away last time out and I’m sure he’ll do a darn good job this time as well.

It’s why I chose him as my running mate two years ago—a hard worker, that Osinbajo.

I’m sure that governance won’t suffer while I am away because ‘Osi’ baba knows wassup and I have handed him a free rein to do what's best for our nation.

I have transmitted a letter to the national assembly notifying them of my absence, in accordance with section 145 of the 1999 constitution, as amended.

Please, while I’m away, all those jobless persons pasting 2019 campaign posters in my name should desist forthwith.

Only wicked and brainless idiots will be campaigning for me midway through my first term, especially because I haven’t delivered on hundreds of 2015 campaign promises.

Let God be the one to take care of 2019.

Do accord Osinbajo and all my ministers all the support they'll require, while I’m gone.

God bless you and God bless the federal republic of Nigeria.

Signed:

Muhammadu Buhari

President, Federal Republic of Nigeria.

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*What you just read arose from the twisted imagination of the writer