Sonia Ogbonna shares her thoughts on crises and difficult stages of relationships and how best to move past them.
In a recent post on her blog post, the Colombian writes on some of the best ways to swerve past issues in relationships, and some other related stuff.
She reiterates a common belief when she says, "...there is no couple in this world that has been together for a long time without meeting any form of challenges on their way."
Then she goes further: "Even the most compatible, ideal matches do argue and at some point they find themselves facing very tough times. Crises are super painful. They make us doubt. Wander. Overthink. Sometimes we feel like leaving.
"Or should I stay? Is he the right partner for me? Why do I suffer this much then? What if I have made a mistake? What is right? Who is wrong? Madness and headache.
"[A] vulnerable mind is [the] devil’s playground. And devil is a very creative mofo. Indeed. If you suffer from heartache, wanders, if you feel like your relationship or marriage is about to fall apart, I want you to continue reading.
"Is there really a problem?
"First of all, we do blow things out of the proportions by attaching meanings to not so relevant things. I think you know what I mean.
"That is what happens when we are emotionally involved with someone. We take everything personal and our fears and worries can make us see all the things we don’t want to see just because we hold on to them so badly.
"From my very personal experience I can tell you that you don’t have a problem that you think you have. At least not a rational one. In emotional relationships by taking everything way too personal we create false beliefs that turn reality because we feed them with so much strength, energy and focus.
"Then your relationship sinks deeper and deeper into confusion, mess, accusations, blame, anger, frustration, pain and helplessness.
"Why? Because our focus is constantly on the wrong picture and wrong idea of having a “bad relationship/marriage”. What we focus on grows.
"We are all different and every couple has a different challenge, a very specific tough path that was given to them for a reason.
"I think I heard somewhere [that there is often a] 'test before [a] testimony'.
"All my life I used to think, like most of you, that crisis in relationship is a bad thing. Just recently, I have changed my perception towards it; because I realized that no bond was ever built within a comfort zone.
"Love. Friendship. Trust. Care. Understanding. Support. Faith. Loyalty.
"None of these categories really manifests during good times. When things are smooth and everything happens the way you want it it’s easy to believe, to love, understand, trust or be a support system to someone.
"Under right circumstances almost everyone can [do] it for you. To know each and every of this categories that make every healthy relationship meaningful you have to pass through something unusual.
"When things are really bad our task is to overcome it.
"Mostly, people are busy looking for flaws, blame and mistakes in each other and that is what makes couples sink deeper in painful confusion, darkness and crises. I’m sure some of you know how draining this is. It can exhaust you until you literally go crazy and forget everything good about your relationship and your partner.
"Ask yourself: do you want this relationship to work? No? Good and fine, you can leave and that is also very ok.
"But you are still there. That means you want it to work. You want to be happy with your partner. Since you choose to stay involved, you will have to start acting according your choice; otherwise you will really run mad.
"In order to heal, you must start from yourself. You must take responsibility over your own part. Not 60%. Not 89%, but 100%. Tough times are signs that it’s about the time for us to turn to ourselves, and not to point fingers and count our partner’s sins and mistakes out loud.
"Energy is contagious. Positive and Negative. Once you start thinking of how your partner feels instead of always considering how much of a victim you are, you will by default trigger the same kind of behavior from your partner.
"Note to yourself: the biggest mistake people make when they start practicing this method is their instant expectation of what will their partner do for them in return and how fast will their efforts be acknowledged. Don’t do that.
"That means you are bringing yourself into picture again. You don’t love someone by expecting love in return. A true action of love does not have self interest in it. Do not just wait to receive love so you can give it.
"Start the process of exchanging good energy and positive vibrations yourself. Every crisis you overcome will build your relationship stronger. Challenges given to you are meant to strengthen the weakest links of your relationship with your loved one.
"This thinking is what cures my pain instantly every time I face issues in my marriage. When I just think of it as a process that will make us love each other more and deeper, my vibration instantly changes and different attitude and perception brings new dimensions and different circumstances.
"What excites me is to know that the roughest paths normally lead to the most amazing places."
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