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Relationship Talk "I'm finding it hard to trust my girlfriend," what can I do?

I don't have any sense of safety with her, but she feels very safe with me.

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Relationship Talk

(Pulse)
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Hi Bukky,

I want to commend and appreciate you for the relationship advice you give. I have been reading them and getting insights.

I dated Bella (not her real name) throughout my university (5yrs +), but she broke up after school and confessed she'd been seeing someone else for 8months, she said she loved the new guy better.

I was devastated but had to move on. I had never stopped loving her.

Four years later, I decided to break the communication barrier I created just to find out how she was doing.

She gave me complaints of loneliness, apologies, regrets and [apologies]. She wanted a second chance.

I searched my heart if I still loved & wanted her back. I did. So I decided to have her back. But now, after the initial frenzy/emotions, I'm having serious trust issues.

I don't have any sense of safety with her, but she feels very safe with me.

She's also not been very open about the dude or the cheating, in fact they still communicate and I think she's still got some sort of sympathy for him.

I have refused to push for answers, because I want her to provide them of her own free-will, I believe it proves openness, but they're not forth coming.

It's 3months now, and different theories are getting into my head, like she wants to get married and she only came back because the other guys she dated after me never showed interest in marrying her (she's 27, I'm 30).

She might leave if the going gets tough. I believe there are certain acts/characters a honest person that really wants a relationship back should exhibit on their own free-will without being asked.

I haven't seen any and it’s not helping my trust issues.

Please Bukky, your advise is invaluable. Please help me.

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Hello, Godman.

Thanks for following this column closely. It is very appreciated.

I also need to commend your spirit of forgiveness, it is a good thing; don’t let anything take it from you.

Now, concerning your girlfriend that came back, I agree with you on that part of being unsafe with her.

She has betrayed your trust once, and quite naturally, it will be difficult to get back to the open, trusting relationship you once had.

And as a matter of fact, as you rightly inferred, there is a greater responsibility on her to be more open and honest with you so that the trust that’s broken will be restored.

Since she seems uninterested in doing that, I advise you to remain guarded. Once bitten, twice shy they say.

If you are uncomfortable about a relationship without trust [as you should], then, by all means you have to have that conversation with her soon.

You need to hear from her what she thinks about this your relationship.

You need to ask her point blank what her relationship with that other guy looks like at the moment.

You also need to ask her if she’s willing to break that connection with him so as to rebuild the one she has with you.

The answers she gives will provide an insight into what her priorities are, and where her loyalties lie.

Hopefully these words will help you redirect your relationship on to the right path.

Don’t stop loving!

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Yours truly!

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