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Forget The Wedding; Prepare For The Marriage!

Don't spend so much time planning your wedding till you finally forget to prepare for the marriage itself.

People spend so much more time planning a perfect wedding than they do preparing for a happy marriage.

In some cultures, weddings go on for days and the amount of money and intricate planning that goes into getting every micro detail perfect is truly insane, especially when weighed against the amount of time or resources invested in ensuring a happy life for the bride and groom after.

This decision will probably be the most impactful decision you can make in your life. A happy marriage is one of the biggest contributing factors to a successful life, yet we rush into it with hardly any preparation for the life together after marriage and instead busy ourselves for months planning for the wedding.

Here Malti Bhojwani shares a few ways brides and grooms could invest in the success of their married life together so that the fairytale continues way after the lavish wedding to a lifetime of happily ever after.

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Practise having hard conversations: Spend quiet time together discussing the serious stuff in a safe and open way. We often postpone these tough conversations because, most of us are not skilled or prepared to have them and often we would rather just sweep them under the rug and hope for the best. It takes practice to have these tough conversations and learn how to resolve conflict. We assume that it is something we should do naturally, but trust me, this is a skill that can be learnt and will come in handy throughout your married life. Dispel the myths about sex, intimacy and communication in marriage by educating yourself. Work out how conflicts will be resolved and make some commitments to each other. Many believe in not going to bed angry, and then there are some who feel that sometimes you just can't settle an argument before bed, so be okay with having disagreements and accept that you can still cuddle and love each other despite having disagreements. Topics like sex, money, family, kids, religion, education for kids, looking after parents, career priorities and long term goals and dreams need to be talked about at some point.

Talk about sex: Many get into marriages with unrealistic expectations and have the misconception that sexual fulfillment will just flow naturally when in fact this sort of compatibility needs to be built together through trust and communication.

Money is not a dirty word: Have you spoken about money, saving and spending? The goals you have as individuals and as a couple? Do you know each other's financial health, if there are debts and how you both feel about credit, investments and all things financial? Will you share your accounts or operate as individuals? Do you have similar feelings about contribution to society?

Privacy and trust: Do you respect each other's privacy to some extent? Do you feel comfortable not having the password to your partner's computer and phone? Discuss where you would draw the line between trusting each other and giving each other space, and be comfortable with these boundaries.

From the horse's mouth: The question "What advice would you give to a "couple-to-be" posted on a Facebook page today attracted the following comments:

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"The secret to a happy marriage is if you can be at peace with someone within four walls, if you are content because the one you love is near to you, either upstairs or downstairs, or in the same room, and you feel that warmth that you don't find very often, then that is what love is all about."

"The great romantic poet Rumi said, "Your task is not to seek love but to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against love.

If one can overcome these barriers and open up to their spouse in an act of surrender and acceptance, any marriage can work."

"One should set ideals for the future rather than setting meticulous hours on preparation for the big day!"

"Space and trust"

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"Best advice I could give is never go to bed angry..."

Compromise is not a bad word: Many think that compromising is a bad thing, however, you need to be firm on your ideals and your goals, there may be some "non-negotiables" that you will not accept in your life, in which case, do not marry this person. But beyond that, we need to be flexible if we want to be happy. The one certainty in life is that everything changes; circumstances will change, our point of view and priorities will change, the way we feel will change, and in order to stay in a happy partnership, we need to be able to accept these changes and be flexible in our approach. In fact, without the willing attitude to be grateful and appreciate the qualities and attributes in another instead of getting irritated and annoyed at them, it would be impossible to be happy in a relationship. The old serenity prayer is most apt in a marriage:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference."

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Don't marry someone with the hope or intention of changing them: Yes, they can softly alter their perspective and perhaps replace some habits, but don't think you can change them; you will be truly disappointed. Accept them the way they are and decide what you can live with and accept, see if all the good, what they give you and who they are to you, can outweigh the stuff that you don't like and then make a firm decision to commit or not to commit. All relationships are challenging and people all have their quirks and irritating habits that will get to you. So when you commit in a marriage, you make your mind up in advance to accept and love the person completely anyway, and hence, create a loving environment in your own life where you can each grow as individuals and as a couple.

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