Ariel Winter claims her butt ate her shorts, but girl, we see you

You don’t know me, but I know you. My name is Ej, and for years I’ve watched you evolve from a tiny, mousy little child star on Modern Familyinto a proud and confident adult woman. You look great. You are great. We're big fans.

Recently, however, I saw photos of you making a supermarket run while wearing a top knot and booty shorts. At first, I was like, “There Ariel Winter goes again, trolling the paparazzi with her provocative outfits. In this rapidly changing world, where one is constantly confronted with reminders of their own mortality and lack of relevance, it's good to know that some things always stay the same. God bless you, Ariel Winter, and God bless your booty shorts and the booty therein."

But then, after you were heavily criticized for your outfit, you clapped back on Twitter — and your response was, frankly, disappointing. When people accused you of being intentionally provocative, you, in an M. Night Shyamalan-level twist, claimed that it was not your shorts that were at fault for the perceived wardrobe faux pas, but rather, your ass.

“I literally do not try and show my ass when I wear shorts...my ass just eats them up and then I don't notice...awkward af,” you said.

To which I would like to respond: Ariel. Girl. I see you, and I know exactly what you’re doing.

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To be clear, I’m not saying you don’t look great: you do. You’re doing exactly what every other 19-year-old girl does: testing boundaries and troll authority figures by showing as much skin as possible. I’m also not shaming you for your choice in outfit. If you want to wear booty shorts, by all means, wear booty shorts, and vaya con dios. But don’t insult our intelligence and claim ignorance to the fact that you are wearing said shorts for the express purpose of showing your booty. That is why they are called booty shorts. It’s literally in the name. That’s like buying a pregnancy test and telling your mom when she finds it that you thought it measured your blood sugar.

Additionally, your claim that your “ass just eats [the shorts] up” without you “notic[ing]” is disingenuous at best and outrageously meretricious at worse. As a woman, I can attest to the fact that while it is indeed possible for other types of wardrobe malfunctions to occur — buying a white shirt and not realizing it was see-through until you try it on under fluorescent lighting, for instance — it is simply not possible under the laws of modern physics to apply this argument to your ass hanging out of your pants. Why, you might ask? Well, for starters, air is a thing; so is sitting down. You don't need to be a butt scientist to know that if you’re in a meeting and you sit on a plastic folding chair and suddenly realize your ass cheeks are at least 10 degrees colder than the rest of your body, your shorts are probably too short (also, probably don’t wear shorts to the office, because dress codes and your shorts tan weirds everyone out).

Above all else, though, Ariel, I am disappointed in you. In the past, you’ve been so openly proud of your body. You’ve defended yourself against haters who accused you of dressing inappropriately for your curves (hell, even your own mom) and you’ve defiantly posed for bikini pics and butt selfies when people have criticized you for being overweight. For men, you’re a sex symbol; for women, you’re a body positivity role model. And that’s a pretty great position to be in.

So the next time you want to wear booty shorts while you’re out shopping, don’t try to play it off like an accident. Don’t be like, “yes, my ass was eating my shorts,” because your ass is not a giant lizard monster and your shorts are not the terrified inhabitants of a small Japanese coastal city. Just be like, “Yeah, I wanted to wear short shorts to show off my ass and I look great in them. So what?” Own your booty shorts. Take pride in your booty shorts. Love your booty shorts, for they are a part of you. And we, in turn, will love you and your booty shorts right back.

Love,

Ej