You can’t overemphasize the intimidation factor of having a giant rubber penis boomeranging toward your face.
Yes, there is security footage
Last Thursday a man tried to rob a sex shop in San Bernardino, California. He was thwarted when the employees began shouting at him and throwing sex toys in his direction.
Wait, which sex shop was it?
It was called Lotions & Lace. Simple. Practical. It’s all there in the name.
Ah, okay. That’s a pretty decent sex shop. I’m glad the thief was foiled by those brave employees. Shoutout to my girl Amy for leading the charge.
I know, right? They’ll be telling stories about her in the sex shop community for years to come.
Hopefully. Anyway, why would a thief rob a sex shop?
Great question. It’s unclear how much cash these places keep on hand. Like, in the world of promiscuous sex-themed places to stage a robbery, a toy shop is very middle of the road.
Your best bet is a strip club—lots of money flying around—and your worst bet is probably one of those porn theaters they had in the 70s. Do those places even exist anymore?
Nope. The one in my area closed last month. We even had a goodbye party for it and everything. But hold on—you said these employees held off the thief with sex toys?
Yeah! Pretty rad, right?
What kind of sex toys do you think are best for fending off an armed robber?
The most important question of all. Here’s the definitive ranking:
1. A dildo. Clearly your best option. The longer, the better. A nice, long dildo will make for a firmer and more elastic flinging motion, so you can really generate a lot of power.
You also can’t overemphasize the intimidation factor of having a giant rubber penis boomeranging toward your face.
2. A butt plug. You don’t have the oomph of a dildo, but many of these come down to handy little tapered points, which can be good for poking and jabbing motions. You can’t really thrust a dildo—too wobbly—but you can definitely thrust a butt plug, you know?
3. Anal beads. These should be your last resort. They don’t have a ton of heft for throwing or much sturdiness for jabbing. When you chuck these at your assailant, you’re really just spraying and praying. Maybe you’ll hit him in the eye.