What if a person’s name could tell you something about who they are?

Imagine a world where there were no names, and you had to no way of referring to a person or telling others who they are. It’s very easy to forget the primary reason why we have names.

Especially in our society, names serve numerous purposes, like a universal remote. A name can be a way of honouring tradition. It can be a symbol of hope.

In most Nigerian cultures, a name is also a prayer of sorts for the child’s future, which is why you hear names like Blessing or Grace.

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(Forget the fact that sometimes the prayer does not come true and the name becomes a shameful appendage that makes the bearer feel the need to offer explanations that no-one asked for.

It reminds me of a joke by the comedian, I GO DIE where he said about one of his hypothetical friends who was in the habit of insulting people for their names, “your name na success but look at your life, no success, na so so failure. You wear the same shoe for one week”.)

But what if the name is a representation of something that they already know.

Sometimes, you come across names that are so unique that you are tempted to think you have found a gateway into the person’s life.

Names like these are all around us and they make you wonder if the person’s parents were trying to tell us something that we didn’t pay attention to.

We’re considering three of the most popular of these names in Nigerian Politics; the purpose is simple, to see if a person’s name can tell you something about who they are:

(1) Heineken Lokpobiri:

I’m often tempted to ask if Heineken has another meaning in any Bayelsan dialect. Other times, I wonder if this is a show of brand loyalty, similar to when female fans get those ill-advised tattoos of Davido and Wizkid on their lady parts.

Either way, Heineken only brings one thing to mind; beer. There’s only one thing you consider when you meet someone whose first name is a brand of premium lager.

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Rumour says Bayelsa men love their alcoholic beverages, but we can’t shake the feeling that Mister Lokpobiri’s first name offers some free insight into his drinking habits and what kind of bottle he likes to caress when Nigeria tries to kill him like the rest of us.

(2) Goodluck Jonathan:

From one son of Bayelsa to another, former President Jonathan is living evidence that going to school barefoot as a child can help you win elections and a person’s name could fortune.

If there’s anyone whose name can say something about who they are, it has to be Jonathan. Over less than a decade, the Otupko native rose from the position of deputy governor of Bayelsa State to become the country’s president.

Even though he was clearly unqualified for the role, Jonathan’s run to the top was defined by sheer luck and good fortune. In many ways, the man’s first name was a prophecy.

(3) Lai Mohammed:

The minister of Information’s first name sounds somewhat similar to the reason why we have a hard time believing what he says anymore.

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When he was appointed, young people on social media posted tweets and memes referring to him as “Lie Mohammed”.

Now while there’s evidence that Lai manipulates facts when he wishes, it’s not fair to say his name is a representation of who he is. It appears that the man just has to make edits to the truth, every now and then in the interest of his President and national security.