"How To Spend My Salary On Women"

Lagos, Nigeria, is the worst city to spend your salary. Ignore all the awesome-looking adverts of places with pretty girls and services that feel like it dropped from God’s bosom. They’re all scams.

Before Lagos, all my salary went to the inviting and big-booty women of Port Harcourt. All they needed to do was say my name with a girlie emphasis on the second syllable.

“Joeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy”, and that’s it, my mumu button becomes activated and I just whip out my ATM card, and buy you the moon. If for any reason, you cannot call the name sweetly, because you have an awful accent from your dirty, dusty and bushy village, all you have to do is add an extra ‘darling’ after my name, to make up for your obvious vocal deficiencies.

“Joeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy ”. Nice and easy, and you’ll see my ATM Cards, with Santa Claus, as my middlename. ‘Hohohohohohohohohoho, merry joey-mas’.

But since I moved to Lagos, I have gotten into the struggle for survival and thriving, got beaten by Agberos, mocked by street people for the weird-sounding way I talk, harassed by prostitutes who always want me to pay for sex, and met some of the most annoying (and lovely women), my style of spending on women have changed.

These days I have grown some extra balls and tactics for spending my small salary on these plenty beautiful women. Gone are those days of Father Christmas. I am Joey Akan, and I work hard for my money.

Women come in all shapes and sizes, and since I’m a sucker for slim tall women with an attitude, and phonetics, I will always fall. But usually I don’t meet those types often, and I have to make do with what comes my way, and below is how I spend. All the women below must be pretty!

Big Fat Woman With Tush Accent

I run for my life. What made her so big? The salaries of all the aristos and poor hardworking men? No way. I simply cross myself, pray to God for long life, and take the next danfo out of the area. You no see me.

Big Fat Woman With Bush Accent

Holy Ghossssssst Fire!!!!

Slim Tall Women with Tush Accent

This is my best category of women. First we go to the movies, and see some blockbuster flick in 3D. Then we stop at some shopping mall, get some junk food, chocolates and wine. If you’re extra lucky, you get a teddy bear, which you’ll definitely name Joey Bunny!

Slim Average Women With Tush Accent

Movies and parties. I will invite you to one of my numerous weekly parties, where you’ll dance and die of thirst. But if you have a very pretty face, and you don’t try to control me, then you might get chocolates. If you’re smart, and like classical music and art, then we’ll go to the MUSON centre, and some gallery.

Slim Tall Woman With Bush Accent

Iya Basira! Saving Nigeria since 1773!

There’s no reason why we won’t visit that local joint with bush meet, amala, and Efo riro, served by that Fat sweaty Mama. We will play bush love, drink Alomo and Palm wine, talk about Pasuma Wonder and KWAM 1. Then you will jump Okada go house. Love Nwantinti! Thunder fire love!

Slim Average Woman With Bush Accent

We will visit Ijebu Ode, and learn the rudiments of juju. One horrible Ifa Priest will serve us goat’s blood in human skull, and we’ll dance and sing to Fuji.

Later we’ll go home and watch a movie called ‘Baddo Mushin’. That will do. I shall not spend.

All Short Women (Tush Or Bush)

My Dad warned me never to bring home a short woman. Height is severely lacking in my household, and he fears his family bloodline will devolve into a generation of dwarfs, hobbits and pygmies.

Sorry. I feel for you. (takes a deep breath).

See you next Tuesday. Peace and Good Hustle!