Amebo Pulse: D’banj Dupes Durella, Wizkid Dupes Unilag, Toyin Trouble

Well there’s no introduction for you this week. And it will stay that way because this is my show and I can run it anyway I like! Even if I invite pigs, rub honey on coconuts and shaved their dirty arses, you have no right to complain. So you better shape up and follow me with your body, spirit and soul because for the few minutes you’ll be reading this column, I will own you. Surrender yourself to my charm, and I will reward you with the oil of laughter and gifts of broken ribs because just like my mentor Femi Kuti bin talk, everything na wonder wonder.Amebo Pulse is the only surviving wonder of the entertainment industry, because I no send anybody. As e take happen, na so I go talk am. Call police, call army, call those Boko boys, I no send, and I no go use sugar or big grammar cover fowl yansh. Yansh is Yansh. Let’s go there. Vex is catching me…

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Triple D: D’banj Dupes Durella

The first and last time I ever duped anybody, it was my darling father. And I no go do am again. That guy truly saw hell from me because every week, he kept giving me bank alerts of the big sum of N2’000. How man wan do when my cherikoko Brazilian hair don old and she suppose change am. I can’t steal. Stealing is for criminals, and since I’m not a heartless criminal, I decided to dupe only my papa. Only just my sweet hardworking father. God bless that man. After duping him, I had enough to maintain 3 girlfriends, two sugar-mummies, and 5 school daughters. Sort lecturers, and drink Alomo. But now I’m all grown up and rich, the old man don dey dupe me back. “My son, kia kia (dry cough), I have headache-titis, diabetes, arthritis, Gulder-titis, belle-titis, and long-throatitis. Send me N2 million make I use go see dokutor.” I know the old man is lying, but then I can’t shout, because you reap what you sow.

D’banj you dey hear me? You reap what you sow. That’s all!

D’banj followed my footsteps and duped Durella. Poor Durella. D’banj copied my duping skills. How? Well, make I grudgingly tell una. For those of you who are jobless enough to follow the Nigerian entertainment industry, una go sabi say D’banj and Durella share many things in common. They have the same frog voice, sabi chase women, wear oversized black glasses, and love Amebo Pulse. I wish. With so many things in common, one would expect them to fall in love, get married, and go for their 14 years honeymoon in the beautiful Kirikiri Maximum Prison. Nice place. Just ask Alameseigha.

But it might surprise you to know that that is not the case. D’banj and Durella begin jealous themselves. Instead of sweet bromance, they began to fight, accusing each other of stealing their voices, while the rest of us just wonder how 2 grown men will be battling for original ownership of a frog voice. Very sad. But after a while, D’banj became a Kokomaster, and ran away with Don Jazzy. Durella became King Of The Zanga and after some time his magic wore off and he went into the pipeline. Which is a polite way of saying, the guy talent finish, and he began to hustle hard without pay. He probably started to jump Okada. Durella: King Of Okada.

Well later, D’banj left Don Jazzy and set up his own business, DB Records, and began to sign new artistes. All of a sudden he fell in love with Durella, and we all were happy. What took them so long? The love was so strong that, Durella left his pipeline and moved into D’banj’s house, and together, they did plenty things at night….like, er, er,… singing Pumba yaya. (dirty, no,…durty mind.). Later Kokomaster released a new song, ‘Blame It On The Money ‘, which featured Snoop Illumi-Lion, and Big Sean. God knows I hate that song, because later, Durella released the same song. People said Durella sold the song to D’banj, but trust Lasgidi boy wey don suffer, King Of Oka…sorry, I mean, King of the Zanga no gree. Even with all the free lunch, and newfound love, Durella love no gree blind. He sharply gave this interview:

“I didnt sell my song to Dbanj I only played the song to his hearing once and the next thing i saw was Dbanj ft Snoop Lion, Big sean; hedidnt even change the title of the song maybe cuz i told him i dont know if I should release the song or not no wonder he told me I should not release it“

This was too good to be true. D’banj deceived the poor boy, thief him song, then released it. Durella, no worry. God dey. But if you want to receive justice, no go police o. Police will not help you, the courts will not help you, COSON or any other organization will not help you. Sorry. But I have an idea. When next you see D’banj in Lagos, in a crowd, just raise your voice and shout like a leper in need of miracle, “Thief thief, Ole, Ole”….and the crowd will take it from there. I trust Lagos.

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Wizkid Dupes Unilag…Or So They Said

Like I said earlier, whatever I say is true. So before we begin this second case of fraudulent activity, let’s get some facts straight.

I know plenty of you will disagree with my 3 prophetic declaration, but let me share with you a small story of how the police saved my life, and eternally convinced me that they are my friends. One day, I was broke and all I had was N1000 note. My girlfriend was with me, and she needed transport fare. I wanted to give her N500, but then una sabi women na, if she see my 1k note, her transport go automatically change to 1k. So I was thinking hard, and praying to God for a miracle, until I saw a police checkpoint. I quickly ran down there, and the kind policemen gave me some change. I gave them N1000 and they returned N980. Even though they took my 20 bucks but they saved me from huger that day. For once they did their job. Not by catching criminals, or arresting thieves, they gave me change and saved me from death by hunger.

So last week when I heard that some Unilag students dragged Wizkid, a whole Wizkid (abi na half Wizkid?) to the Police station, I wasn’t bothered because the police are his friends. This was what happened. Some students wey boredom, F9 and carryover wan kill, decided to invite Wizkid for a show. They went about gathering their poor student’s mite, and came up with N500,000. What! Poor students’ mite indeed. Call EFCC, those students must be probed. But then they made a mistake. They paid the money to one scam-lord posing as Wizkid’s great-grandfather’s uncle’s sister’s cousin’s dog’s first son. They gave the guy the money, the guy gave thanksgiving, paid his tithe at his local church, then disappeared into thin air, or wherever all scammers go. On the day of the concert, poor students show. Wizkid no show. Money no show. Only thing that showed was Gobe. Trouble. Yawa. Gbege. So the students got angry and dragged Wizkid to the police station. But trust Wizzy Baby. He was in and out in about 2 hours. That’s after him and the DPO drank 3 bottles of Henessey, smoked fresh expensive Cuban weed, and danced to Jaiye Jaiye. While one lower officer, the most intelligent of all of them was given the thankless task of drafting a statement for Wizkid. Case closed. Money still no show. Wizkid go. Students go. But on twitter came these wise words from Wizkid:

My camp and I don't do cheap money! If u want to book me for a show holla @ my team or ! Bless!

So in the end. The students lost their money, the DPO drank Henessey, the Police station got to host Wizkid (a whole Wizkid, remember), the police officers took pictures with Wizkid (something to make their wives jealous), and Unilag students get to be reminded of their 'cheap' life. Case closed. That wristwatch is worth N75o,000, and he bought 2 of it. Na real cheap money Unilag dey do.

Wizkid one, Unilag zero.

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Toyin Lawani: You No See Me

Dear reader, you are here because I have totally made you happy. Say thank you. Some of you are so happy that you even want me to marry you. Thanks for the offer, but I’ll pass.

Before I go further, let me categorically state clearly that at Amebo Pulse, we are not against new relationships. In fact, we encourage quick quick marriage because what God has joined together, let no man put axe on top. So you can understand my stand in this marriage and lovey lovey business. Hope we are clear? Just nod your head, or give me a silent ‘amen’. Thank you.

People love my trouble. Last week, I just sat in my office, yes, even gossipers have offices. So I sat in my office, minding my own business, and dreaming of a time when I will also receive my own share of the National cake in Aso Rock, while avoiding EFCC, and all those celebrities wey no like my mouth. On that day, one fine 31-year old woman got engaged to her soulmate. Mcchhhewwww. No news. But then, gist came again that the pretty 31 year old woman got engaged to her 21-year old boyfriend. ‘And so?’. I kept ignoring them. Like Martin Luther Jnr. said, “I have a dream”. Amebo also have a dream of drinking the National Pepsi, while handling one heavy ministry in Aso Rock. So I continued to ignore them. But the girl no gree, she kept trying so hard to get into my column, and so dropped the following pictures.

This has gotten too much, and here’s my reply; Toyin Lawani of Tiannah Styling, after going through all your photos, and comments. Below is my 2 kobo:

NOTHING CONCERN ME!

God forbid I give anyone the opportunity to give me fancy titles like; Haterz, Olofofo, Jealousy, Bad-belle. To be called is the highest title I want for now. No way. So my dear Toyin, Happy Engagement Life. What God, the Chief joiner has joined together, even if there’s a huge 10-year difference between the joinees, Amebo will never put axe under.

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Phew! Every good thing must end, so this is where I stop. I am tired. But don’t forget to drop your comments, they make me fall in love with you.