Tonto Dikeh Will Finally Get Arrested, Don Jazzy Will Lose Tiwa Savage, D’banj Will Bounce Back Stronger, Wizkid Will Drop His Album, Iyanya Will Fade…Thus sayeth the Joey Akan.
Doesn’t it seem like only yesterday that Goldie Harvey was all up on our screens, singing and dancing, sexily shaking her tail-feathers and smiling her way through as Kennis Music threatened to reclaim its lost glory? How much that has changed?
Nigerian entertainment is a funny business. Nothing is as it seems, with ‘packaging’ and insane hype making everything and everyone seem like a blessing from some Greek god. Also do we know that without a definite structure to the industry, and a host of dynamic personalities interacting, anything and everything can happen. (Casts a glance the way of Jim Iyke, his deliverance, and fight in Ghana). We know 2face will still be King, Modenine will be the crowned prince of Nigerian Hip hop culture, and Wizkid will remain single. (And maybe get another baby mama). How boring. Yawns.
Well what a difference a year and 3 soft porn queens make (AfroCandy, Cossy & Maheeda). Everything is in play in this crazy, up-is-down, blue-is-red, KCee is a superstar, no, wait, KCee is a star this year. From Don Jazzy’s loss of Wande Coal to Chocolate City’s war with Brymo to Jesse Jagz’s weed romance, and Tonto Dikeh’s new boyfriend, everything is in place for a blockbuster 2014.
It takes a brave man -- and many commenters often use more colorful adjectives -- to attempt to impose order on all that chaos, but then if Wande Coal can steal from Don Jazzy and proclaim himself a ‘Black Diamond’, I can venture out on a shaky limb and try to divine the rest of the new year. Just don’t hold me to these fearless predictions when Wizkid gets married, and Davido is signed to P.Diddy in April.
Artistes That Need No Prayers
Let’s just get this out of the way...
After dropping ‘Shoo Le’, the young performer has gone on to make himself a brand, headlining concerts, and making a great deal out of himself, while older and more matured artistes lie in obscurity. Expect Sean Tizzle to continue his rise in 2014.
Oh what a spectacular year Burna Boy has had. Gaining massive appeal has made him more popular (and admirably arrogant), with a new album dropped, and plenty of performance and endorsement money received, Chritsmas Dinner must have tasted yummy for the boy from Port Harcourt. But then dark clouds are beginning to gather for Burna as reports of his unhappiness with his record label, Aristokrat Label, and also his alleged ban from the UK for stabbing a man to death. Also take in his erratic behavior and his ability to beat up people at will.
2014 will be quite dicey for Burna Boy. He will leave his record label.
The matter with D’banj isn’t that he isn’t successful. The real problem lies in his inability to drop classic hits anymore. It seems with his split Don Jazzy, he lost his balls for good music, but got signed to GOOD Music and Kanye West’s petulance.
Fans in Nigeria have laid many a complaint about their inability to connect with his new style, and many have berated his ‘ill-decision’ to leave Nigeria.
Right now though, he sits pretty as a top earner in Africa, just because he’s ‘D’banj’; the man has built his brand to a level where cheap music cannot derail his finances. He’s Bank Of Industry ambassador, headlined Hennessy Artistry 2013, and raked in enough cash to make Don Jazzy green with envy.
One hit after another, this 21 year old man keeps us dancing to melodious meaningless songs. 2014 will be no different.
Tonto Dikeh Will Be Arrested This Year
I’m not sure if it’s her awful music, or another bout with marijuana that will make us pull out our hair again, but it’s a certainty that the Nollywood diva will do something so illegal and epic that she’ll miss a major part of movie shoots this year.
Now that soft-porn queens are taking all the media attention to themselves, Tonto has been left on the sidelines, a cold lonely star whose every fart goes unnoticed. But she’ll bounce back. And I feel she’ll indulge in cocaine.
And the NDLEA will come calling with handcuffs, and a cold prison for poor Tonto the junkie.
Stella Damasus Will Join The Government
I see Stella Damasus join an arm of the government. The Nollywood actress has earned it by being very vocal in her criticism of the Nigerian government.
She took the Child Bride saga personal, crying her heart out to whoever wants a listen. Then came ASUU strike, in which she weaved a new video to make us all sit up and take notice. She has earned her seat. Oga Goodluck, she’s ripe for some Federal seat.
Wizkid Will Drop A New Amazing Album
2013 was the year of collabos for Wizkid. Every song with a good beat has his voice on it…and blew out of proportion. He’s the King Midas of Nigerian Music!
This year, he’ll drop his personal album, and it will blow the world away. Wizkid’s new album might be so good, that the heavens will bring down rapture quickly before the world begins to worship him. Amen
Jesse Jagz Will Hit The Rehab
There’s so much weed in Jesse Jagz that I expect him to be found dead in a hotel room one day, with a wrap of marijuana offering the perfect reason why he has to go early to his maker.
But not yet.
In 2014, Jesse Jagz will find a weed-free mentor, who will influence him to change. Not the kind of change to make a man become a pastor, but the kind that’ll set him on the road to rehabilitation.
Jesse Jagz will stop smoking ganja. Thus sayeth the Joey Akan.
Don Jazzy Will Lose Tiwa But Grow Stronger
We all get the feeling that Don Baba J is losing his ‘X Factor’. D’banj took a huge chunk of it on his way out, so did Wande Coal. But the man keeps being so amazingly good at what he does best; good music.
He will lose Tiwa Savage this year. Not because his charm is faded, but because he sucks at man management. Tiwa and Husband T-Billz will walk away from the Don after their honeymoon, and they’ll cite B.S reasons about ‘taking her music to the next level’.
But Don Jazzy will be alright. He’s still Don Jazzy. Remember?
But He Will Be Re-United With D'banj
Thus answering the prayers of all fan, music enthusiasts, and the odd unemployed hipster. Amen.
Waconzy Will Tell Us More Truths
The DV-8 Media CEO and beef-lord will finally drink enough Alomo to give him the balls to hold his ship when under fire, and not go back on his words. He’ll finally release a long list of musicians who deserve the firing squad. Their crime? Making nonsense music.
He’ll have help from me, of course. And Davido will head the list. (laughs maniacally)
Olamide Will Lose His Mojo
Thus ending my favorite disgust at his successful razz indigenous music. Street-hop is popular these days, but for how long? Something else will come out to replace it. Some new sound that’s equally senseless, but appealing to the ears of Nigeria.
I’ll say, with the downfall Olamide, Reminisce will also go too, thus ending all the talk about ‘street being the new cool’.
Iyanya Will Struggl;e To Get A New Hit Song
The Kukere singer will trek from studio to studio, producer to producer, in search of the magic of KCee. His hits seem to have dried up, with ‘Le Kwa Ukwu’ being overshadowed by Timaya’s ‘Ukwu’.
2014 for Iyanya will be worse. He’ll survive on his past and lingering sexy glory, but then, how long will that last?
But he won’t sha sell his car.
And finally, the three nude celebrities will find Salvation…in TB Joshua
The porn-persistent Maheeda, the againg Cossy Orjiakor, and the old-cargo porn queen, Afro Candy disturbed us all with nude pictures, bad imitation of porn movies, and oversized wrinkling breasts. But this year, they will find a new path.
In will come T.B Joshua! The man of God has a penchant for rising up to the occasion when celebrities are in need of some divine fix. Just see how well Jim Iyke’s episode played out. After his deliverance and subsequent appearance in church, he broke up with his ‘public fiancee’ Nadia Buari, and proceeded to go fight in Ghana, getting arrested by the efficient Ghana police. I hear they have good guns over there.
Well this year they will get the TB Joshua treatment. Maybe not all, but I’m tipping one of them to find Christ. My money is on Cossy Orjiakor. Sister’s getting old, and her movies seem to have dried up.
Next up will be Christ for her.
These are my predictions for 2014. Watch this space, they will come true. Thank me later.