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'You Know I'm Just Joking' by Ayomide Tayo Let me tell you how to be a celebrity in Nigeria

If you want to be a celebrity the Nigerian way, then this article is a must read.

  • Published:
Nadia Buari and Jim Iyke play

Nadia Buari and Jim Iyke

(NaijaLoaded)
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Vanity is the number one vice in this industry of ours. Lust and greed come after but vanity ranks pretty much higher than these two.

Man has always had the itch to be popular, to be known and to be famous. The thing is back then you needed talent to be celebrated. Today, you don’t need that. You just need to be social media savvy to be popular or famous to some extent.

But there are some people who want more than likes and comments on social media. There are millions of people who want the bright lights on them. They want the red carpet rolled out for them. They want endorsements, they want to be on the blog headlines, and be the talk of the town.

Read: Linda Ikeji, who wouldn't want to marry you

Many have succeeded in doing this. Some are talented, others have minimal talent and others don’t have at all. Today’s article is about you. It’s for people like you that want to be celebs but don’t know how to go about it. I will break it down for you the Naija way on how you can move from nobody to somebody.

First things first, deceive everybody into believing you have talent. You see talent is not the big deal, just give us an illusion that you have talent, whether singing, rapping or acting. Go online and copy. Copy as much as you can and show off any little chance you get. Do you know how many actors and actresses that can’t act? They are in their hundreds, yet they keep getting roles. This is Nigeria. We really don’t appreciate true talent. Just fake it to make it, that’s all.

Second thing you should do is famz, famz a lot. What’s famzing? It’s slang for attaching yourself to people of importance and repute. If you are an upcoming music act take pictures with popular singers and entertainers. Make it look like you know them. Don’t be too proud to be a waka pass in their music videos. Nothing is too low or beneath you. Go to events with them. Before you know it bloggers will report that you have signed to one or two labels out there. Like I said make it an illusion. That’s what entertainment is all about, an illusion. Nobody likes reality.

Fake Louboutins play

Fake Louboutins

(telegraph)

 

Third thing you have to do is borrow pose. Make sure you get yourself to the big events in the celebrity industry, and wear clothes borrowed from your new friends. When they ask you what you are wearing on the red carpet, say the name of a popular designer. Hey nobody will care if your gown is not Armani, just lie that it is. Don’t be shy- the bigger the lie, the bigger the reward. If you can’t afford a pair of Louboutin, spray the sole red. Do you know how many female actresses and singers wear fake red bottoms? Plenty. Fake it all the way.

Read: Fela would have been a flop in 2015

The next thing you have to do is fake an accent. Be it Norway-Jamaican, or American-Spanish, just form a bloody accent. The only business where the typical Nigerian accent works is in the comedy business. As for the entertainment business it’s best you have an exotic accent. Please, lie that you schooled in Britain or Switzerland. Make up your family background and say you were born privileged. Drop that accent like it’s hot. Many will abuse you, but deep down they will wish they were you. Listen to our big time OAPs, accents all the way. What’s stopping you? Don’t let that thick Igbo accent hold you back from an endorsement two.

 

After doing all these, create buzz/controversy. Stage a celebrity relationship. Find a male or female celebrity who is as thirsty as you and act as if the both of you are in love. Flood your Instagram timeline with your cute selfies. And guess what, when the press ask you about it don’t say anything. Do not answer questions on your relationship. Say you do not comment on your private life. Afterwards post another hot selfie with your partner.

Read: I partied with the Governor at Quilox

If you don’t like that angle, get a groupie to write about how she had great sex with you. Just do anything to have people talk about you. As a female celebrity post an ‘artistic’ nude picture. I promise you the blogs will have your story within the next hour.

After all said and done if you do all these things, and still don’t blow then go back to your village and be a farmer. The gods do not like you.

P.S Van Gaal has to drop Rooney!

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