Expressing grief

Today happens to be the birthday of a very dear sister of mine who passed away due to a terrible fire incident three years ago. To my utter shock, I burst into tears almost like I just received the News. Why? I thought that I was over grieving? Can one ever be over grieving? It got me thinking and reading up on grief, through the lens of the “Expert “ and the “participant”.

There is no feeling that can compare with the goose bumps that are felt in the house of the bereaved.

The weather in that house is as cold as a winter morning. Even in the light of day, the very present darkness is unrivaled.

No one likes to go to such a home, but it is a home that we all must visit at one time or the other.

Over forty-five years ago, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychologist of her time, published a “grief model”. She highlighted five stages of grief, in no particular order or time frame; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

I can relate to the stage of denial, I think everyone goes through this stage and why not? How do you accept what your mind cannot process? It takes a while for it to sink in; I kept going through her pictures, our last text messages to each other, which was a week before. I kept staring at my phone waiting for it to ring and hearing it was all a mistake, it was someone else (how selfish).

Some go through the second stage more rapidly than other, anger, you are angry with God, why did he? How could he? You might divert your anger, towards some persons, events, or items.

There is a stage called bargaining, where we try to rationalize what has happened.

Depression usually occurs at one point in time or the other and again the intensity may be dependent on the personality of the bereaved. Some become even suicidal at this point and the loved ones of the bereaved need to be alert and watchful.

The stage of acceptance will have to be when the bereaved is ready to move on and the grief is not as intense as it used to be. There will be times, like I had this morning, when everything seemed like fresh wound. Depending on the intensity and the projected length of time, it might be advisable to see a counselor. What I find interesting about the stages of grief is that those anticipating bereavement (a loved one who is terminally ill, for instance) also go through some or all these stages; not in any particular order.

Whichever stage you or someone you know is, it will end someday; I pray we find that stage of “acceptance” soon. May the soul of the departed, find rest with the Almighty.